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Parasiliti: Fantasy baseball is all about the name

April 14, 2013
  • Bob Parasiliti
Joe Crocetta

There is a time and a place for everything.

At least, so it seems.

Still, some priorities change over time.

Different people draw different conclusions from the same statement. It’s a matter of experience.

So when I hear, “In the spring, a young man’s fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love,” it gets lost on me.

Alfred, Lord Tennyson, that’s so old (old) school.

It’s got to be an age thing. At 55, nothing fancy turns lightly and my cynical side leans to romance being overrated … most of the time.

Spring and the Ides of March have a different meaning for me over the last few years.

The heck with the first flower, robin and kiss. Let’s get to the first pitch, beer and hot dog.

I do work in sports, you know.

To me, the mystery of spring is fantasy baseball.

Where else does hope spring eternal, with a new team and a new season to bring on new excitement (and anguish)?

And like everything else in spring, it’s time to make a statement. To some, it’s time to be fashionable with new clothes. In fantasy baseball, it’s all about your team name.

The name of your team is like a calling card.

I know in the leagues I play in, there are many ways to make creative messages and double entendres. You have to love inspiration.

For example, you have to think Slam Quentin would be a very popular moniker in Los Angeles after Thursday’s bench-clearing brawl between the Dodgers and San Diego, especially after the actions of Padres outfielder Carlos Quentin.

Maybe a New York Yankees fan could use “Flubbing Bubbles” for a name to gum up the works of Baltimore fans, especially after Adam Jones’ mishap flushed away Friday night’s game.

Some names are almost musical, like Something in Your McLouth; Domo Arigato, Mr. Machado; Crazy on Yu; Stuck on Youkilis; Buchholz Surfers; Big Papi Don’t Preach; or even Trout, Trout, Let Him Play Out(field).

C’mon, I’m talking to you. These are the names that it’s all about.

Baltimore fans can stay close to home. There is No Reimold or Reason for some of these.

Jones’ mother’s sisters could have a team called Adam’s Aunts.

Some could make noise with Weiters’ Whistles, playing off an old Oscar Meyer hot dog trademark.

Someone who loves Baltimore’s pitching staff could be called Leading With Your Chen.

A golf lover who is really enjoying the first month of the season for Baltimore’s first baseman could have a team called Davis Love.

A team consisting of all former and present Orioles might be named Exs and O’s.

Meanwhile, someone pulling for the Orioles defense could have a team called Birds of a Leather.

Don’t leave the Washington Nationals out of this either.

Bryce Harper is great subject matter with Sugar and Bryce; Bryce, Bryce Baby or Harper’s Bizarre. But then again, a local fan could own Harper’s Fairies.

Women with a crush on Nationals players could have teams named Harper Valley PDA or Marry Tyler Moore. Who knows, you just might make it on your own.

With Washington, it’s a matter of getting your Nat Werth, or being Gio-centric when dealing with Changes in Natitude. It could be a Matter of Life or Detweiler.

A Revolutionary War buff might very well name his team One if by Verlander, Two if by CC, in honor of two top American League pitchers, or the Midnight Run of Ben Revere.

New York bullpen fans could be partial to a Part-Time Joba.

The age of electronics could provide such teams like Teixeira Messages and Scioscia Media or Scioscia Calendar.

We can Believe in the Ethier Bunny, have a Three Martinez Launch or Bite Off More Than You Can Choo.

A real bad team can be a bunch of Uggla Ducklings.

How about Swans of Capuano, Ellsbury Doughboys, Order of Buehrle Fries, McCutcheon Counters? There’s a few Seventh-Inning Stretches to consider.

When it comes down to it, though, I haven’t been very lucky in the spring — be it in love or baseball.

But even at my age, you still need to fulfill a fantasy every once in awhile.

Bob Parasiliti is a staff writer for The Herald-Mail. He can be reached at 301-791-7520, ext. 7358, or by email at bobp@herald-mail.com.

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