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We need our assault weapons for all the wild pigs

January 28, 2013

With all due respect to the national hysteria du jour, gun control isn’t anything I give any serious thought to on a regular basis. I suppose, if you put a gun to my head (hahaha) I would probably support free and open ownership of all weaponry, as soon as we can guarantee that we can keep it out of the hands of the criminally insane.

But I do rather enjoy all the stated reasons for possessing rapid-fire rifles, including the standard “government tyranny” defense. It is not because I do not believe in the clear and present danger of government tyranny — it’s just that the dudes who go on and on about it are all talk and no action.

If they would use their semi-automatic weapons to, say, take out revenue-generating speed cameras, or shred email-monitoring switching stations, I might be more sympathetic to their cause.

So when the jack-booted thugs come for me, I’m sure they’ll all blog about this horrid government tyranny, without getting off a single round.

However, all is not lost. Last week, I saw what is, to date, the best reason I have seen as justification for the possession of assault rifles, bazookas, death rays and Hillary Clinton:

Pigs.

You heard me, pigs. I quote from a writer for an Arkansas newspaper: “Recreational hunting is a vital cog in managing feral swine, but it is only effective if you kill a concentration of pigs. That requires semiautomatic weapons capable of firing a lot of rounds quickly.”

Whoa.

I don’t know that there is anything that chills the blood more than a “concentration of pigs.” You see some flying wedge of pork headed your way, and darned tootin’ you want to be able to lay down a field of withering fire. That, or I guess you could just divert them with a pan of slop.

Now I understand that this is no laughing matter. If you are unable to sleep at 2 a.m. and troll the obscurities of the Internet, you probably already know about the coming “Pork Bomb.”

According to Mississippi State University’s Feral Pig Program (see, this is what happens when you ridicule communications degrees out of existence), feral swine do $1.5 billion worth of damage a year. Wild pigs in the South are multiplying and spreading at a frightening rate. Mother Jones says the situation is so dire in Texas, that the state recently legalized shooting pigs from helicopters.

Oh, you didn’t know?

Oh yes, this is pretty much SOP, according to a Mother Jones report: “‘In situations with high volumes of animals and large social groups, semiautomatic firearms, in the hands of a properly trained individual, are a distinctly better tool than a bolt-action rifle,’ said Anthony DeNicola, CEO of White Buffalo Inc., a Connecticut-based firm that has won contracts for, among other things, eradicating feral pig populations on California islands. ‘This is particularly true when using a helicopter as a shooting platform.’”

I have wasted my life. I’m sitting here plucking away at a lousy old keyboard when I could be pinwheeling my way across Texas in a chopper laying waste to Esskay Central with semiautomatic weapons. And I know for a fact, the first pig I take down will be that one in the hyperannoying GEICO ad. See if your precious app can get you out of an appointment with a good, old-fashioned SKS, you nasal-voiced spokespig.

Or I could just cut to the chase and sign up with the Special Hog Weapons and Tactics (SHWAT) team, whose logo is a silhouette of two commandos taking out what appears to be Arnold Ziffle.

SHWAT, according to its website, is “A dynamic, game-changing lifestyle brand, fusing together the tactical, hunting and feral hog control communities.”

I really do need to get out more. Tell you what SHWAT, fuse the babe community and the beer community into your merry band and I’m there.

Tim Rowland is a Herald-Mail columnist. He can be reached at 301-733-5131, ext. 6997, or via email at timr@herald-mail.com.

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