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NASCAR drivers of a feather goose together

September 19, 2012

I confess to only hanging around the fringes of NASCAR. I might catch a little of Daytona and keep up with the chase standings.

But the real reason I keep coming back to NASCAR time and time again is headlines like this one: “Tony Stewart Downplays Goosing Kevin Harvick’s Wife.”

Even if you know nothing, or care nothing, for car racing, I defy you to skip past a headline like that.

And I know you don’t want to waste precious seconds looking it up on your own, so here’s the lede, as reported by ESPN:

“A video of Tony Stewart grabbing the rear end of Kevin Harvick’s wife has gone viral, but the three-time Sprint Cup champion has downplayed the incident as a routine between friends that he believes brings good luck.”

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Weird. For me, goosing a woman from behind has always had the opposite effect.

But I guess everything’s a little topsy turvy in the world of NASCAR, where to boost the appeal of the sport, drivers have been urged to fight more and engage in other dramatic behavior in the name of improving the ratings.

And it must work, because ESPN says, “The video has received as much or more attention as Brad Keselowski winning the race and claiming the points lead for the first time in his career.”

Stewart said this bit of news was “pathetic” because “there is so much more stuff going on in our sport than that.” Really? Like what, is Dale Jr. playing footsie with his crew chief?

In fact, the sport has encouraged behavior unrelated to the actual racing, so I don’t know who this complaint is directed to. Or maybe this goosing is clandestinely part and parcel to NASCAR’s drama directive.

In which case, maybe this spontaneous goosing was really a stunt goosing. I mean, it worked with me, didn’t it? You goose somebody, I’ll give you all the publicity you want.

But apparently Stewart was pressed to explain in more detail, so he added: “It wasn’t something that was out of the normal for us. Kevin comes up and gets me, I get DeLana, DeLana gets both of us. It always makes her jump, and so it’s something we’ve always joked about and talked about it being good luck. You do what works. … I’m just glad picking my nose wasn’t that thing that’s been good luck.”

No, I am not responsible for that banjo music you’re hearing all of a sudden.

And frankly, there are some things that go on that I just plain wish I didn’t know about. That’s why I’m increasingly thinking that this trend of videotaping everything is a bad idea. I know Tony Stewart and Mitt Romney would agree with me.

I don’t want to see a gaggle of good ole boys and girls grabbing each others’ hindquarters, and I don’t want to hear what goes on in secret when candidates meet with their corporate sponsors.

I probably could have intuited that politicians think half of us are brain-dead slackers, but I was happier before I had documented evidence.

And please Mitt, take the offensive. We don’t want to see you go all Christine “I am not a witch” O’Donnell on us, with ads where you stand up and proclaim “I am not an idiot.”

I’m willing to give you a mulligan, now let’s all move on.

Matter of fact, I’ve got the perfect distraction. Have one of your male aides grab a female campaign worker in the tuchus. You know, for luck.

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