Roar of 'war on women' too loud during election season

September 10, 2012

As always, my vote is up for grabs and I’m going to give it to the first party that stops treating women as if they are a race of Martians who just arrived on Planet Earth armed with ray guns and voter ID cards.

My stars, if I hear one more reference to Michelle Obama or Ann Romney as their tickets’ “secret weapon,” I’m putting a concrete Venus De Milo statue through my television set.

Secret weapon? You mean like mustard gas or Tim Tebow? I follow the presidential race as little as possible, but I was still aware that Barack Obama and Mitt Romney each came equipped with a wife. There wasn’t a whole lot of secrecy there.

Yes, they like women. Pretty much got that already. I don’t need to see anyone sacrificing a chicken to the Greek Goddess of the Electoral College. No need to run a fire ax through a “break glass in case of emergency” portal to release a Michelle or Ann or Jill or Janna to leap out and connect with the segment of the population that, to its detriment, cannot simultaneously balance a beer, Fritos and a game of solitaire on its belly.

And I’ll tell you something else: At least two or three times this week, I (a male) was able to actually communicate effectively with a woman. Takes a little work, but it can be done.

So this inference that it somehow takes a woman to act as translator for her species is hard for me to understand:

“Omenway ofway ethay orldway uniteway.”

“What did she say?”

“Beats me, Earl. Just hope it resonates among her people on Election Day.”

I guess it all comes in the wake of this “war on women” nonsense that the Democrats are trying to lay at the feet of Republicans. All right, so mistakes were made and probes were mentioned and, yes, the old saw is correct, that if men could get pregnant, a lot of the laws and rules pertaining specifically to women would never have seen the light of day. Although, and I say this as a one-time college boy, I can’t understand Republican males’ opposition to free contraception. If I recall, we were more or less in favor of having dump trucks full of it pulling up in front of the women’s dorms.

But war? That’s a bit severe. (Although you almost wish it were so, because if the GOP war on women were to be as successful as its war on drugs, we are about to enter a golden age of femininity.)

But, perception is reality, especially in politics, so Republicans were forced to use every tool at their disposal to prove that their nominee can indeed pick a woman out of a police lineup three times out of five.

But anytime you try to make yourself into something you’re not, it never goes well. It would be like Obama trying to reach out to the people at Darlington Motor Speedway.

So, even though there is nothing not to like about Ann Romney, the most cringable moment of either convention was her plaintive cry of “I love you women!”

Oh dear, not good. Thankfully, they didn’t make a pitch for the black vote (“I love you African Americans!”) or the Latino vote (“I love you people of Spanish extraction who are here legally and can produce three forms of documentation, two of which must be from a recognized government agency!”)

And where would the Democrats even begin? “I love you people who can balance their own checking accounts!”

Well, about all you can do is keep repeating, “It’s only once every four years, only once every four years ...”

Tim Rowland is a Herald-Mail columnist. He can be reached at 301-733-5131, ext. 6997, or via email at

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