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Remember any women from 'Dumb and Dumber'?

July 18, 2012

News item: “New research is providing an answer to the age-old, delicate question: Who is smarter, men or women? A new study has come down on the feminine side of that argument, finding that women now score higher on IQ tests than men.”

Oh deary me, yet another feeble attempt to try to wrest the mantel of wisdom from the intelligent grinning faces of the world’s male population. Well, I guess it’s once again up to me to use my superior male brain to refute any and all illegitimate claims to the throne of smartiness, no matter how fact-laden they might appear on the surface.

This latest study comes from a New Zealand-based researcher named James Flynn, who calls himself an “IQ testing expert,” whatever that is. But I do not mean to prejudice you against him. So without bias, I will relate the thesis of this blithering idiot.

“Over the last 100 years, everyone in the developing world has been gaining about three IQ points, but women have been gaining faster,” Flynn told ABC News. “This is the result of modernity. In every country where women have an equal chance of modernity, women have caught men (in IQ testing).”

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Well sure, all facts sound convincing when you recite them. But as an average, typical male, I have a question for ABC “News.” What, exactly, do you consider — hold on, I have to have a bacon, caramel and raw hamburger sandwich.

Oh yeah, that hit the spot. Now — what was I talking about? Oh yes, the superiority of the male intellect.

Now I understand that females spend most of their time trying to make the world a better place, while most males are looking for slightly less destructive ways of channeling their anger. But does this relate in any way to intelligence? Oh con-trare. Flynn goes on to say that some of women’s gains in the IQ department is attributable to the fact that modern education is judged more today by logic and analytical skills and less by rote memorization.

I truly and honestly admire Flynn, because obviously he has never had a fight with his wife, where she is there throwing rote after rote of total recall over his past behavior his way, while he’s still struggling to remember whose fault the fourth child was.

“As we enter the modern worlds, our minds change just as our automobiles have changed,” Flynn said.

“Where women can have an equal chance to interface with the modern world, they equal on IQ and surpass on academic performance.”

Whoa, Flynn, dude. We’re supposed to be on the same side here. You go spouting gibberish like that and it makes it ever harder to prove my point. And good luck telling a woman that she’s like a car. “You want me to what? Ha ha, honey, I think your spark plug wires are coming loose again. Might be time for a new head gasket. Or maybe I should just trade you in for a new model.” See how that works out for you.

Of course, the news story says Flynn can’t provide more details because he’s “saving that for a book he will publish in September.”

Oh, I see. Why Flynn, you sly dog. I take it all back. As Fred Sanford would say, you’re sitting on top of a gold mine. A book telling half of the population (the half that reads, coincidentally) that it’s smarter than the other half? Think that’ll be the featured read in any book clubs?

I better get moving on my book that conclusively proves that Republicans are smarter that Democrats; that should hit the top of the New York Times best seller list in a week. Until that time, all I can say to you, Mr. Flynn, is that men are dumber all right. Dumber like a fox.

Tim Rowland is a Herald-Mail columnist. He can be reached at 301-733-5131, ext. 6997, or by email at timr@herald-mail.com.

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