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No economic downturn when it comes to financing 6th District race

April 11, 2012

I am open for cash payments. I prefer not to handle the bills myself (germs, you know), but I am willing to send U.S. Rep. Roscoe Bartlett and challenger John Delaney my bank account number so they can wire what they deem to be sufficient allocations to me at any point between now and the general election.

Do not think of it as vote buying, think of it as a silent auction.

I want to get moving on this, because all the state and national pundits are claiming that the Maryland 6th Congressional District race will be among the “most watched” races in the nation.

And in politics, “most watched” is code for “pass the loot.”

Republicans were fearful early on that the 6th District seat would be hard to hold on to, especially if young, hip Montgomery County voters were treated to the sight of the current congressman fossilizing before their very eyes.

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But Bartlett showed the ol’ ticker still has some life in it by issuing a beat-down to an estimated 2,394 GOP challengers in the primary.

Now, the independently wealthy Bartlett — first beloved, then despised, and now beloved again by the Republican establishment — will be showered with even more buckets of cash by national conservatives desperate to hold onto the seat so they can continue their policy in the House of bringing the world to the brink of economic collapse once every three months. (The justification for this insanity is that if we go down in flames, 16 percent of Americans will blame President Obama.)

The Democrats, however, are more sensitive, so they are committed to destroying America slowly over the course of many decades, so that, in the end, we will barely notice when the jackbooted thugs finally show up to take all our savings and throw it in the burn pile.

But money was no issue for financier Delaney, who ran on the platform that there are not enough wealthy people in Congress.

Delaney was assisted by the fact that his main opponent, state Sen. Rob Garagiola, treated South Mountain much as early settlers did in Colonial times — hesitant to cross it for fear of being scalped by savages and eaten by howling wolves. Which, come to think of it, he might have been.

So now, what can we expect over the course of the next six months? One word: $.

Yes, step right up to the richest show on Earth, that rarest of American congressional races, one that is actually competitive, and where both national parties and super Pacs alike will spend obscene amounts of money in hopes of winning one lousy congressional seat, in which the greatest responsibility of the next decade will be to vote on Food and Drug Administration policy regarding pink slime.

But there is a potential downside to this: I do have a slight worry that I might be subjected to a lot of things on television that will be tiring. For example, some stations might be tempted to break in to the 24-hour anti-Bartlett, anti-Delaney programming to bring us an entertainment show.

On the positive side, no one should need to mow his grass too much this summer, since the political signs will more or less blot out the sun.

And if you enjoyed the robocalls in the primary, get your living room wired for sound so you can plug the phone directly into the home theater and listen in stereo to disembodied voices telling you how that worthless cur Bartlett/Delaney wants to cram his failed conservative/liberal policies down your delicate little windpipe, and that if you are stupid enough to vote for Bartlett/Delaney, they will send someone out to poison your well water.

If only we could avoid it all by promising not to vote.

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