Making sense and nonsense regarding health care

March 26, 2012|By TIM ROWLAND |

All right kids, you’re going to be hearing a lot about something called “health care” this week, and it can all be a little confusing, so your Uncle Tim is at hand to clear up an issue that will be central to your life moving forward:

Q. What is “Health Care?”
A. Health Care is something doctors do to you to counteract the effects of what other doctors have done to you at some point in the past.

Q. What is a “doctor?”
A. A highly skilled individual who has been trained through a decade of higher education to the point that he or she is qualified to blame all your problems on caffeine and tell you that you are obese.

Q. Is that all?
A. Oh no, they also prescribe “drugs” that make you feel better, at least until you start taking too many of these drugs and they lose their effectiveness.

Q. What happens then?
A. They prescribe you two different sets of drugs, one that counteracts the first set of drugs, and the other that will correct your problem for a while until they stop working, at which point you will be given three sets of drugs.

Q. But my teacher tells be that drugs are bad.
A. Ha, ha, ha. On behalf of AstraZeneca, I would like to tell you that your teacher is a moron.

Q. Who pays for all these doctors and all these drugs?
A. Well, if you buy “health insurance,” and you need $10,000 worth of medical care, a major corporation will pay for it.

Q. How much does this “health insurance” cost?
A. $20,000.

Q. So do I need insurance?
A. Totally.

Q. Why?
A. Because in the field of medicine, $20,000 will pay for approximately two Band-Aids and a Q-Tip.

Q. But if I have insurance, at least I will be protected from these outrageous costs.
A. Yes, after you have met your “deductible.”

Q. How much is a “deductible?”
A. How much have you got?

Q. But suppose I have a nagging cough, but I don’t have any insurance?
A. Then we have a special place for you.

Q. What’s it called?
A. The “emergency room.”

Q. But if I don’t have any insurance who pays for the Q-Tips?
A. The government pays for it.

Q. Oh, that’s good.
A. No, that’s bad, because the government doesn’t really pay for it, it just adds all these unpaid medical costs to its “national debt,” at which point the taxpayers must pay for them, along with exorbitant interest costs.

Q. Do the taxpayers like this?
A. No, they do not.

Q. So why don’t they force everyone to have health insurance?
A. That’s exactly what the government wants to do, force people to buy insurance.

Q. How would it work?
A. By charging people more of what we know they don’t have.

Q. But at least the taxpayers would be happy.
A. You would think so, but no, they don’t like mandatory health care, either.

Q. So if I have severed an artery and am bleeding to death, they don’t think I should get help?
A. No.

Q. Why Not?
A. Because that would be an abuse of the Interstate Commerce clause.

Q. So who will decide what’s best for my medical health?
A. Oh, that one’s easy, the U.S. Supreme Court.

Q. Are they doctors?
A. Not at all.

Q. Are you adults nuts?
A. Absolutely.

Tim Rowland is a Herald-Mail columnist. He can be reached at 301-733-5131, ext. 6997, or via email at

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