Chicago's loss is Smithsburg's gain

March 12, 2012

Take that Chicago. How does it feel to get waxed by Smithsburg?

Last week, the failed Obama administration abruptly announced that the G8 summit originally scheduled to be held in the Windy City this spring will instead be held at Camp David. Obama didn’t say why. Maybe the G8 wants to take a stab at solving Smithsburg’s storm-water management issues.

The G8 summit is important because its host city becomes, in the words of one senior fellow, “a showcase to the world.”

So better set a couple extra places at the Dixie Eatery.

Chicago is horrified, calling this loss a “humiliation” in the eyes of the world. But hey, there’s no shame in losing to Mickey Myers. Anyone who hangs around politics long enough is bound to feel the sting of her powerful gavel.

The Chicago Sun-Times tried to blow off the insult, in a position framed by columnist David Roeder, who wrote: “Why not head to Camp David, on the beautiful public land of Catoctin Mountain Park, and make it anti-globalization Woodstock?”

Woodstock? Uh-oh. The thought of Angela Merkel on acid drains more imagination megabytes than I can currently spare.

Why is it here? Why not. Maybe holding it in the middle of the forest is the only way to keep Sarkozy away from the skirts. Or maybe they think Putin will feel more at home being around all those bears. And nothing feels better after negotiating world peace than going into the woods for a good round of paintball.

Now before I go any further, I understand there is a chance that some people who are reading this column might not have a complete understanding of what the G8 does. Matter of fact, there is a chance that some people who are writing this column might not have a complete understanding of what the G8 does.

Maybe you’re thinking that you had a G8 Chevy once — small block — so perhaps it’s some kind of auto show.

Or maybe you had back surgery where they had to go in to take some pressure off the G8 vertebra, so you’re thinking the summit is some kind of medical conference.

Well, as it turns out, you’re both right. The G8 will leave you feeling as if you have a major spinal injury after being hit by a car.

The G8 discusses globally relevant topics such as world health, economics, terrorism, the environment and the next potential date for Tim Tebow.

But, problematically, its meetings are traditionally shadowed by protesters/rioters who traditionally are dissatisfied about something, like war or hunger. And, as we all know, the fastest way to solve the problem of world hunger is to clash with police and firebomb government vehicles.

So in other words: If you’re headed out to pick berries at one of the Smithsburg Orchards this spring, leave early.

Tim Rowland is a Herald-Mail columnist. He can be reached at 301-733-5131, ext. 6997, or via email at

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