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Big Sydney turns, faces the strange changes

September 28, 2011|By BIG SYDNEY
  • Herald-Mail football prognosticator Big Sydney
Herald-Mail football prognosticator Big Sydney

It’s probably not something that you’ve noticed over the years, but I have a problem with change.

I have been using the same column logo for probably three decades.

I know that it’s probably a shock to most of you, especially since you don’t see any wrinkles in my brow. No botox for me ... My secret is I my trim my manscape with slabs of SPAM. That’s another column.

Anyway, I’ve been having a problem dealing with all the changes in the game I love.

Football is not what it used to be. Did I go into a Twinkie-induced coma and the sport got a new commissioner or something?

I see what’s going on these days and wonder if the sport is now run by Lou Scally and Emily Post (I always heard rumors about those two).

Scally has to be the mastermind of a scheme to change football forever. Have you noticed lately that every time he predicts rain on a Friday, games automatically get called off?

Last week, I planned to emerge from the tunnel of my Dargan prognosticating palace — known in some circles as the Fat Cave — and cruise over to Boonsboro for the Warriors’ game with Clear Spring.

It was postponed because of the rain.

Because of rain!?! Holy Nitschke!

Whatever happened to the “frozen tundra” I grew up with?

All of a sudden football has etiquette.

Don’t hit the quarterback too hard.

Please keep your hands off of recievers. I think that’s either a penalty or considered grounds for sexual harrasment now.

Don’t run the score up. You don’t want to hurt any feelings.

Try not to put any hard hits or blocks on any opponent. Instead, politely ask him if he will fall down and get out of the way.

Centers, please snap the ball with a pinkie out.

No taunting. Just say “thank you” after fumbles and interceptions.

Even the officials have changed. Notice they wear black pants now? That’s because it’s a fashion faux pas to wear white pants after Labor Day.

Where will this all end? Soon, it will cause every team to change their nickname.

The Warriors will become Pacifists. The Leopards will be the Spotted Tabbies. The Rebels will be the Complacents. Instead of the Blazers, the The Sport Coats will be more fashionable. The Wildcats will probably be the Calm Dudes. The fierce Panthers will become the Lap Cats.

The Saints and the Hubs. They won’t have to change. Who gets scared of those mascots, anyway? That’s like facing the Fighting Shadow Puppets.

I don’t know about you, but I think PC in football stands for Pretty Crummy.

On with the predictions. Last week 17-4 (.810); season 57-25 (.695).

HIGH SCHOOLS

Washington 23, Handley 18

Boonsboro 21, Williamsport 12

Clear Spring 19, Northern Garrett 14

Hancock 26, Sidwell Friends 21

Brunswick 38, North Hagerstown 27

Smithsburg 13, Catoctin 6

South Hagerstown 30, Poolesville 14

Shippensburg 27, James Buchanan 13

Cumberland Valley 34, Chambersburg 20

Martinsburg 44, Hedgesville 14

Musselman 37, Jefferson 15

Greencastle 36, Waynesboro 17

Moorefield 21, Berkeley Springs 19

Lawrenceville 22, Mercersburg Academy 12

Potomac School 35, Saint James 23

COLLEGES

Maryland 31, Towson 10

Penn State 41, Indiana 20

West Virginia 43, Bowling Green 16

Shepherd 38, Concord 14

PROS

Redskins 23, Rams 10

Texans 21, Steelers 20

Ravens 20, Jets 14

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