Bachmann campaign is too awfully good to go on forever

August 29, 2011

Today a sad realization has cast a gloomy haze over my lonely writer’s garret, as I come to grips with the fact that Michele Bachmann is not going to be with us forever.

Or maybe I should say that her presidential campaign is not going to be with us forever, and that we need to appreciate it while we have the chance. It’s like Sinatra; you knew those golden pipes were not immortal, so you listened every chance you had.

Eliminate the EPA. Drill in the Everglades. Ah, those will be classics some day, as we recall with nostalgia the days when you couldn’t fish in the Potomac because of PCBs, the Cuyahoga caught fire and smog enveloped every major city like a wedding veil.

But M.B.’s first step down the ladder toward inevitable defeat came when she won the presidency of the Iowa State Fair. The problem was that her victory was overshadowed by the entry of Rick Perry, R-Yippie-ti-yay, into the race, and her poll numbers dropped off a cliff.

National political reporters, who used to get stories in the laughably naive way of actually interviewing people, but now spend their days counting tweets, noted that the “buzz” around Bachmann evaporated. Perry was the subject of 4,000 daily tweets, while Bachmann struggled to crack 2,000.

(Pity this technology wasn’t available during the Civil War: “Lucifer! John Bell Hood is getting more tweets this week than Sherman; Starting to really like Atlanta’s chances.”)

Bachmann, I fear, is the right’s answer to Jesse Jackson. Remember his campaigns? The more he won, the more he doomed his candidacy, because no one really wanted him to be president, they just wanted to encourage serial boat rocking.

So, some day, it will be left to us to tell our grandchildren that, yes, long ago there was a presidential candidate who believed that the Founding Fathers ended slavery and who agreed to “submit to her husband” by studying tax law.

And true, she had once worked for the IRS collecting taxes, but she did it for us. It was her way of infiltrating the beast, so she would learn the best way to bring it down at some point in the future. The actual quote:

“I went to work in that system because the first rule of war is ‘know your enemy.’ So I went to the inside to learn how they work because I wanted to beat them.”

There’s something almost Christ-like about it, no? She took a Schedule A in the chops so that others might deduct.

The problem is that every time M.B. says something like this, her handlers clamp down even tighter on her public appearances and the estimated 37 words (two of them verbs) that they allow her to say in press appearances.

So her dilemma became apparent. If she stops with the outrageous statements, the press will lose interest because there’s nothing else to her. But if she continues to speak her mind, the general public will, if it hasn’t already, come to the conclusion that it is dealing with another Lyndon LaRouche without the intellect.

But I say you gotta dance with what brung you here, and if speaking of cabbages and kings and sundry nonsense has gotten you to the national level, don’t stop now. Go ahead, promise us $2 gas. And on a personal note, maybe she could do something about the escalating cost of potato chips. I’d really like to see them return to $1.50 a bag.

Tim Rowland is a Herald-Mail columnist. He can be reached at 301-733-5131, ext. 6997, or via email at Tune in to the Rowland Rant at, on or on Antietam Cable’s WCL-TV Channel 30 at 6:30 p.m. New episodes are released every Wednesday.

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