Wacky weather a sign of the apocalypse

June 07, 2011|By TIM ROWLAND |

Remember spring?

That season between winter and summer, when crisp, lime-green mornings were gently toasted by the sun, inviting long walks or leisurely bicycle rides?

When we could plant potatoes on St. Patrick's Day without a parka and peas on April Fools' Day without scuba gear?

When blossoms were as ballet dancers, performing delicate, lengthy acts of colorful choreography — and not like strippers, where they pop out, show all and drop in 10 minutes tops.

I don't know what's happened to that season, but I haven't seen much of it in several years running. Last year we went straight from sub-freezing to mid-90s. This year there was a middle season between winter and summer, but it never bore much resemblance to springtime — the year went something like summer, fall, winter, apocalypse.

It's like there's no such thing as tree buds anymore. It's gotten to be a straight shot from frozen twig to full leaf. You're supposed to plant your garden "as soon as soil can be worked." But there was such a small window between mud and brick that I might as well have tried sowing seeds in adobe.

Here's my new position on climate change: I've gone from thinking that the scientists were selling us a bunch of highly exaggerated hooey to thinking that maybe they're not telling us the whole story. Like maybe it's going to be much worse than advertised, and they're withholding the awful truth from us because we can't handle it.

I started getting nervous when they asked a science-type person on the news if all these horrible tornadoes were the result of climate change. It was a perfect softball, a chance for her to say, "Of course it is" and "See, I told you so."

Instead, she said: "Well, no, you can't really base climate change on one or two isolated events, no matter how extreme they might appear to be."

And I'm screaming at the television, "LIAR! Did Obama tell you to say that? Give us the truth, darn your eyes, and don't sugarcoat it. We want answers and we want them NOW. Put an end to this conspiracy! Release the extended forecast — the long version!"

It just makes you wonder. How long have these scientists known about this "climate change" and refused to inform the public about its consequences?

Oh sure, they've let out little bits and pieces, a glacier melting here, a warming trend there — just a few happy little numbers to cover themselves when the big one hits, so they can say, "Oh, but really, we were trying to tell you all along, you just didn't listen."

Save it, Poindexter. I bet the oil companies are paying you to keep the lid on climate change so we don't all run out and buy cars that run on cobweb dew.

Funny thing is, I've never trusted anyone who was good in science or math. It figures that they would lull me into a false sense of security in the hopes that I wouldn't notice what was happening in my very own environment. The seas are rising? Big deal, I don't live near the sea.

But now it's clear that was only a ruse to make me think that climate change would only affect some burned-out hippies in Key West.

But now that they've taken spring away from me, I'm onto them. The scientists might have won this round, but I'll be darned if I'll give up autumn without a fight.

Tim Rowland is a Herald-Mail columnist. He can be reached at 301-733-5131, ext. 6997, or via email at Tune in to the Rowland Rant on, on or on Antietam Cable's WCL-TV Channel 30 at 6:30 p.m. New episodes are released every Wednesday.

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