Secret to losing weight? Eat less, exercise more

March 09, 2011
  • Rowland

Did Colarad teach us nothing? Have grapefruit pills, bee pollen and cabbage soup not steeled us against the latest claim of miracle weight loss?

Apparently not.

I'll say this, If I were a doctor I would not waste my time "treating patients" and "healing the sick." There's not enough money in it. At least not considering that you have to listen to people's troubles and deal with all kinds of human ick that is best not thought about.

No, if I were a doctor, I would come up with some crackpot diet idea and sell it to all the nation's crackpots (at least the fat ones) who will believe in it wholeheartedly because, well, I am a doctor and doctors are never wrong.

I would count on these people to ignore all the other doctors in the nation who say the idea is totally nuts, of course. And I would count on them to fill my bank account with incredible sums of money, which they have pretty much been doing since the days of Dr. Caldwell's Syrup Pepsin. It's all a horrible mess, where Americans go through diets  and weight-loss potions faster than NPR goes through CEOs.

I blame Michelle Obama.

So does Rush Limbaugh, incidentally, who recently said she was fat. Whoa there big fella. I don't know that you want to go three rounds with her, because I guarantee she's gonna leave you hanging by your underpants from a shepherd's hook after she's done kicking your flabby cottage-cheese behind all over the lobby of Weightwatchers.

But moving on, the latest doctor-inspired weight loss fad involves hCG, a human pregnancy hormone. It works like this: You inject this hCG into your arm, and you lose tons of weight because you begin to eat nothing but pickles.

No, actually the plan is to inject the serum and eat 500 calories a day, and that's all there is to it. The New York Times wrote a story about a woman who, every morning, "engages in a ritual similar to a heroin addict's, or a diabetic's: she sticks herself with a syringe ... (she) is not taking hCG to help her bear a child. She believes that by combining the hormone injections with a 500-calorie-a-day diet, she will achieve a kind of weight-loss nirvana."

Since the Times mentioned it, heroin is a pretty effective weight-loss product in and of itself. And about as safe. And perhaps I'm missing something, but if you're only taking in 500 calories a day, you are going to lose weight, and it probably doesn't matter whether you are injecting yourself with pregnancy hormones or badger urine.

It's like Stone Soup. It's plenty tasty, and all you have to do is add a little salt to the water. And beef and chicken and carrots and potatoes and celery and MSG.

By the way, has anyone asked these women's husbands how it's working out for them? I've never been around a pregnant woman, but I've heard stories — mainly told by pregnant women themselves — and they generally include the words "screaming" and "meemies."

As a general thing, if I hear the term "female hormones" I know for a fact I want nothing to do with it, and I don't care whether it makes me thin, tall, handsome or fluent in Mandarin Chinese.

But I suppose it's a value judgment everyone has to make for herself: "What's a little insanity if I fit into my skinny jeans?"

At least for a while. At $1,000 a month, who can afford to be thin? I guess us poor folk will just have to settle for being normal.

Tim Rowland is a Herald-Mail columnist. He can be reached at 301-733-5131, ext. 6997, or via e-mail at Tune in to the Rowland Rant at, on or on Antietam Cable's WCL-TV Channel 30 at 6:30 p.m. New episodes are released every Wednesday.

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