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Bicycling environmentalists geared up for One World Government

Tea Party candidate is only thing standing between you and U.N. domination

August 18, 2010|By TIM ROWLAND

I knew I smelled a rat several months ago when the City of Hagerstown -- in the name of "public health" and "energy conservation" announced that it would patch together a network of bicycle routes throughout the town.

Yeah, public health. Nice try. It turns out that this is nothing short of a U.N. plot that will put the people of Hagerstown under the control of One World Government.

I discovered the truth thanks to a story in the Denver Post (Motto: No, It's the Other Guys Who Went Belly Up) that exposed these bike paths for what they are.

According to the Post, gubernatorial candidate and Tea Party favorite Dan Maes warned that an emphasis on bicycle transportation is "converting Denver into a United Nations community."

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"This is all very well-disguised, but it will be exposed," Maes told a gathering of supporters.

This is normally the spot in the column where I would have to swear an oath that I was not inventing this story out of thin air. But I think anymore that when people see the words "Tea Party" associated with an issue, they know that anything is possible.

So the more pressing question is, how do bicycles equate to a U.N. takeover?

It's pretty obvious, really. First, Denver not only has bike paths, it has about 400 red bikes available for rent across the city.

What do you mean, "So what?"

So this: The bicycles are being promoted by people who, Maes says, put the environment ahead of individual rights.

Oh come on, do I have to draw you a map? At the heart of it is a group called the International Council for Local Environmental Initiatives, which is affiliated with the United Nations and, Maes says, "is signing up mayors across the country, and these mayors are signing on to this U.N. agreement to have their cities abide by this dream philosophy."

OK, Bob Bruchey, it's over. Put down that spoke wrench and come quietly, please.

We now know that Hagerstown has entered into this unholy alliance with the United Nations involving a dream philosophy in which its subjects feast on pine nuts, complain about their knees and wear hideously colored jerseys that even a prison road crew would not be caught dead in.

Forget the black helicopters, here come the red bikes. We're doomed.

Of course, I should mention in passing that Dan Maes WON the GOP gubernatorial primary last week by pushing this anti-bicycle agenda. I can see how that might work in Hagerstown, where any candidate could score easy points by coming out in opposition to exercise. But in Colorado?

I don't know, I guess I would be a lot more scared if anyone could point to even one solid example of the U.N. successfully doing anything. It can't even get some chucklehead in a country with a GDP that's smaller than most Bethesda households to stop shooting off rockets. How does it go from there to world domination? Being scared of the U.N. is like being scared of Judge Smailes in Caddyshack.

And if we're going to be afraid of something, can't we pick a machine that's a little more intimidating than a bycycle? It's hard to think of a bicycle bell as the incarnation of all that is evil.

Even a food processor would be better. The U.N. is trying to get a food processor placed in every American home so they can shred our pocket copies of the U.S. Constitution. If I have a complaint, it's that the tin-foil-hat set doesn't put the same thought into its conspiracy theories as it used to.

Tim Rowland is a Herald-Mail columnist. He can be reached at 301-733-5131, ext. 6997, or via e-mail at timr@herald-mail.com. Tune in to the Rowland Rant video under opinion@herald-mail.com, on antpod.com or on Antietam Cable's WCL-TV Channel 30 evenings at 6:30. New episodes are released every Wednesday.

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