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One Nation likely to divide into millions

Liberal version of the Tea Party will be as organized as cat herding

July 14, 2010

I can't deal with this. Not today. Not ever. A liberal version of the Tea Party? Please, just kill me now.

If anything has choo-choo wreck written all over it, wait until you get a load of "One Nation," a coalition formed to "counter the tea party narrative" and jumpstart a progressive movement that's been down in the dumps since, oh I don't know, maybe the days of the child-labor reformers.

Really, you think the Tea Party is disorganized? Wait until the liberals get behind the wheel of that pickup. They're to disorganization what Alton Brown is to kitchen gadgets.

According to the Washington Post, One Nation "will try to revive themes that energized the progressive grass roots two years ago. In a repurposing of Barack Obama's former campaign slogan, organizers are demanding 'all the change' they voted for -- a poke at the White House."

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In other words, this will put all the liberal hotheads under one roof, just as all the conservative hotheads rally under the Tea Party banner. So if you are one of those people who believes there is not enough rancor and dissension in politics as it is, this is your lucky day.

Except that you know that One Nation is bound to fail. You saw the same thing happen when the Democrats got Rush Limbaugh envy and tried to start up their own radio network -- whose name I have mercifully forgotten.

That little experiment was like the Titanic: They both looked good for about two weeks.

You also have the sense that One Nation will attempt to hold Tea Party-like rallies on the Washington Mall. But instead of attracting tens of thousands, they'll have about 300 people, and half of them will be members of the Dan Brown Lost Symbol tour who tragically stepped onto the wrong bus.

But here's what I don't get: Why would anyone WANT to be like the Tea Party, a group that has done more to split the Republican Party than any movement since the Bull Moose? Eighty percent of Americans take one look at the Tea Party and run away screaming, as if they've just come face to face with Justin Bieber.

People in their own party don't like them. They don't even like each other. And the liberals want that kind of success? It's like wanting to model yourself on a cross between pro wrestling and an anger-management support group.

Of course, the group will need a leader, someone as endearing, cuddly and as popular across the political spectrum as Sarah Palin has been. Do we need to see anyone's resume past Rosie O'Donnell?

And certainly, we hope that One Nation will be as creative in its artwork as the Tea Party has been. We want to see devil horns and fangs on John Boehner, a genuine Deputy Dog look for Mitch McConnell (won't take much effort, he's halfway there already) and a Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov makeover of Ronald Reagan.

True, Reagan was right wing and Lenin was left wing, but Obama is left wing and Hitler was right wing and, history not being a Tea Party strength, we are only looking to be consistent.

And one last thing, didn't the left wing already try to answer the Tea Party with some kind of "Coffee Break" group or something? How's that working out?

Look all you commie pinkos, just chill. The Tea Party doesn't need your help; it's perfectly capable of self-destructing on its own.

Tim Rowland is a Herald-Mail columnist. He can be reached at 301-733-5131, ext. 2324, or via e-mail at timr@herald-mail.com. Tune in to the Rowland Rant video under opinion@herald-mail.com, on antpod.com or on Antietam Cable's WCL-TV Channel 30 evenings at 6:30. New episodes are released every Wednesday.

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