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Bras from the '50s making a comeback

get the point?

November 16, 2009|By TIM ROWLAND

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All right kids, I don't want to hear any giggling as I report on this very important news story.

You are too young to remember it -- heck, even an old goat like me is too young to remember it -- but there was a time when women's bras were Very Different than what you are familiar with today.

But, if the London newspapers are to be believed, "Pointy conical bras made famous in the 1950s by stars such as Marilyn Monroe and Jane Russell are making a comeback."

Dudes, I know exactly what you're thinking. "Pointy? How would ...? Why would ...? Wouldn't that make it ...?"

Yes, yes and yes. First, since I can tell you don't believe me, just go to the library and find some old 1950s newspapers. There, you will see pictures of women who are wearing what appear to be two highway road cones under their sweaters. Many a boy your age had his eye put out when he encroached on the merchandise.

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There was a time, see, when "lift and separate" weren't just the instructions riot police received prior to breaking up an angry mob.

Personally, I am of the mind that acute triangles should be reserved for slices of pie, but strangely enough, I carry no influence in the fashion industry.

According to the London Metro, "Ladies across the country are ditching their padded bras to embrace their assets after John Lewis revealed that sales of point bras are up by 33 percent compared to the same time last year."

If you want to embrace your own assets, well and good, but if you're angling for someone else to embrace them, not so much. To me anyway, it looks kind of painful.

Paint them black and silver, and you might fit in at the end zone of an Oakland Raiders game, but beyond that, what's the advantage to a torso bristling with deadly armaments?

One designer said, "Conical bras have 48 technological components to help create that 1950s silhouette. Channel your inner 1950s starlet and get the Jane Russell look with a lightweight cashmere jumper teamed with a pencil skirt and killer heels to get the look."

The look of what, the Confederates' defensive position at Cold Harbor?

If I were a chick, I would also have my doubts about a small garment that needed 48 technological components. Now I don't know what that means, maybe the straps are embedded with GPS. Stay out too late at a bar, and at least you'll be able to retrace your steps to collect the unmentionables the next day.

But I bought a mountaineering raincoat once that boasted of having "a number of technical features." It could have slaughtered and dressed a caribou for all I knew, but the net result of all these cumbersome, "technical features" was that I couldn't even figure out how to zip the stupid thing up.

I haven't surveyed any men, but I can't think the "about to launch two surface-to-air missiles" look is one that we would find all that appealing. It's not the top-heavy, weight imbalance dynamic that concerns me -- if she topples over, she topples over. But I guess you could say that I have concerns about all this rigidity.

If I had to wear a device that converted a hunk of soft tissue into the shape of something out of a box of Lucky Charms, I'd be ransacking the closet for something with a little more cotton and a lot less chicken-wire mesh. But then, I wear sweat pants to Thanksgiving dinner, so perhaps I am beyond hope.

Tim Rowland is a Herald-Mail columnist. He can be reached at 301-733-5131, ext. 2324, or via e-mail at timr@herald-mail.com. Tune in to the Rowland Rant video under opinion@herald-mail.com, on antpod.com or on Antietam Cable's WCL-TV Channel 30 at 6:30 p.m. New episodes are released every Wednesday.

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