Get the skinny on how to lose weight

Or the lengths Americans will go to in order to avoid the advice 'eat less, exercise more'

Or the lengths Americans will go to in order to avoid the advice 'eat less, exercise more'

October 21, 2009

o If you like reading Tim Rowland, you'll love watching him. See what else Tim has to say

What's that? You mean you're supposed to sneeze into your OWN elbow? Well, why in the world doesn't anyone tell me these things before ...

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize we'd started.

But then, nothing makes sense to me anymore in this through-the-looking-glass nation of ours. For example, I thought people were joking when I heard them start to talk about a "cookie diet."

Sometimes, in my darker, "why didn't I think of that" moments, I reflect on all the money that's been made on dieting.


There must be thousands of books on the subject. Countless magazine articles have dealt with weight loss. Billions are spent on diet-related advertising. People make fortunes on cockamamie diet schemes. They sell a month's worth of entire meals. We produce Lite beer, Diet Coke, Lean Cuisine, 2 percent milk, low-carb ice cream, reduced-fat brownie mix and low-cal soup.

An entire animal species, the pig, has been genetically altered to produce pork that's as dry as George Will and as tasteless as Andrew Dice Clay.

I hear these testimonial radio ads for some kind of diet product or other. Every time this diet guru gets some new potion from the corporate mother ship, she tries it herself first and, voila, she loses another 40 pounds, she tells her astounded interviewer, "without even trying."

I guess I've heard about 20 of these radio spots. Makes me think the woman either started out at circa 920 pounds and now she's at a reasonable weight or she has long since disappeared altogether and is now some magical, disembodied dieting voice in the ether.

All this, when everything we need to know about dieting can be summed up in four words: Eat less, exercise more.

That's it. Now that you have read those four words, for free, you can forget about all that other garbage we're inundated with on a daily basis.

And it works, too, unlike that other junk, which has been proved to be ineffective by the fact that we're now all fatter than ever. As a matter of fact, there's an argument to be made that we are chunkier because of all the dietmania. Strip all the fat from food and you have to eat 78 pounds of it at a sitting to feel nourished.

Think of it. We weren't statistically fat until the diet craze came along in the '80s. Technically, I'm not sure if that's true or not, but it sounds good. So if it works for David Limbaugh, it works for me.

And at this point, I don't even want to know what this cookie diet is all about. Yeah, I'm sure it's just the most effective new thing, as evidenced by the fact that the same head has been Photoshopped onto two bodies, one fat, one skinny, to prove its worth.

Or maybe they grind carrots into patties and call them cookies, I don't know. I don't care.

All I know is that I'm rebelling. While there's still time.

My smart friend, Vickie, believes "the fat providers will become the moonshiners of the 21st century."

I believe that could be true, so this evening, I'm going home to set up my fat still. Forty pounds of hog jowl mash, a pack of Fleischmann's suet and a couple of sacks of bear grease ought to make for a pretty potent batch.

I'll call it Gooshine. Then, I'll package it in Mason jars and deliver it around the county in the trunk of a '42 Ford. When the feds turn up the heat, I'll start my own racing circuit on the beach and create a new sporting craze. Then, I'll go too far and ruin it all with advertising and restrictor plates and overly publicized drivers whose charm doesn't match their driving skill.

Or am I getting ahead of myself?

Tim Rowland is a Herald-Mail columnist. He can be reached at 301-733-5131, ext. 2324, or by e-mail at Tune in to the Rowland Rant video at, on or on Antietam Cable's WCL-TV Channel 30 evenings at 6:30. New episodes are released every Wednesday.

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