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Lawmakers sure to say 'no' to no-sex law

September 09, 2008|By TIM ROWLAND

Imagine if politicians were prohibited by law from having sex.

Who would bother to run for office?

That's why a law proposed by Frederick County Commissioner Lennie Thompson is so disturbing. If passed by the state legislature, it would be illegal for elected officials to have sexual relations with employees under their supervision -- which, to be honest, is one of the main reasons people run for public office.

So you can see the immediate problem. You take away Perk No. 1 and all of a sudden the primary incentive to lead disappears. What, you think guys run for office because of the franking privileges?

I'm thinking at least half of all elected officials nationwide are basically geeks who could never hope to attract a second glance from a hot chick, were it not for the, however slight, aura of power that surrounds the office.

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Political parties are for the dudes who never got invited to keg parties.

And now Thompson would take it all away. Lennie, Lennie, Lennie, you can't be doing this. Do we want to see the entire Maryland State House behind bars? No, don't answer that.

Thompson would make an exception if the elected official and the employee were married. Like that's an issue.

Politician: "Oh, so you mean it's OK to have sex with my wife? I see. Uh -- yippee. I guess."

According to the Associated Press, Thompson "says the proposal is a response to a specific situation, but he won't name the people involved out of consideration for innocent third parties."

Oh, pooh. Come on, name names. Specify situations. This isn't still about John Edwards, is it?

Frederick is such a tease. First we had the prostitution-ring's "Black Book," which fizzled, and now this.

Besides, how is this equitable to all the politicians out there, if any, who haven't been having illicit affairs with subordinates? Every political wife in Western Maryland is going to be looking crosswise at her husband. Every political officeholder is now a suspect.

Some hapless orphans court judge is going to walk in the door to find his wife standing there with a rolling pin saying, "It's YOU isn't it? ISN'T it? I KNEW it! You JERK!"

"What? What'd I do? Hey, what's with the ..." CONK.

Of course, we're probably making too big a deal of this, since a ban on lawmaker sex will never pass -- primarily because it would have to be approved by the lawmakers themselves. And what lawmaker will want to limit his options? Go outside the office for sex? How inefficient.

Lawmakers would sooner pass a law against eating lobbyist-paid-for shrimp cocktail.

Of course you ask every last male officeholder if sex with an employee is a good idea and he will say no.

You ask every last male officeholder if he has ever had sex with an employee and he will say no.

You ask every last male officeholder if he would ever consider having sex with an employee and he will say no.

So it's OK if we make it illegal?

"NOOOO!!!"

That has to tell you something.

Tim Rowland is a Herald-Mail columnist. He can be reached at 301-733-5131, ext. 2324, or by e-mail at timr@herald-mail.com.

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