How'd Santa get those rock-hard abs?

January 06, 2008|By Scott Butki

While not receiving nearly as much media coverage as the Mitchell Report on steroid use in Major League Baseball, the so-called Blitzen Report on drug use has shaken the North Pole to its core.

The report, named after reindeer co-author Blitzen (no known first name), has raised questions about whether there will be drug screening at future reindeer games. It has, though, explained how Santa has been able to reach so many houses despite the world's increased population.

"Put simply, we set out to determine who has been naughty and who has been nice and a lot of important people will be getting coal this Christmas," the report begins.

A North Pole source, who requested anonymity but whose name we can tell you rhymes with goner, leaked the report to the Weakly World News earlier today.


The report's findings include:

· Rudolph's nose has been brighter than usual in recent years following years when it was beginning to dim.

· Some of Santa's elves have had growth spurts that have caused them to double in height.

· Santa's famous belly has become less like "a bowl full of jelly" and more like pure stomach muscle.

One elf, possibly jealous of the growth spurts of his colleagues, said, "Santa used to worry that he was going to be forced to go on a crash diet. He was especially upset by a report that some people felt he was no longer a good role model and might be replaced by a slimmer Santa. He was constantly talking about how Willard Scott was the first Ronald McDonald but then he got fired because he was too fat. He thought he was next.

"In recent months, though, Santa's fat has turned into muscle. He comes into the workshop and asks us to punch him in the stomach and claims it doesn't hurt," the elf said. At first the elves would do it but lately most would just ask Santa to go away so they could focus on making toys, Besides, it was kind of gross," he said.

"Lately a few of the elves who have grown surprisingly stronger have begun punching Santa harder. And Santa, he hasn't come around lately," the elf said. "At first I thought it might be related to these GMOS (genetically modified organisms) I've been reading about at Newsvine," the elf said, "but then I read about Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens and things began to add up."

The Blitzen report, co-authored by Dasher, Dance, Prancer and Vixen, suggests that at least half of the North Pole figures using drugs have been in contact with a certain Frosty the Snow Man.

Attempts to reach Frosty were unsuccessful.

One source, who requested anonymity but whose name is an anagram for Satan, refused to comment on the report but said he was upset by the timing of its release.

"Ok, maybe some of us took something. We thought it was to deal with the cold. I mean, do you realize how cold it gets here? Anyway, to release this report right now - just think what it will do for the chumps, I mean, children, who still believe I exist?" he said.

The report suggests that some elves and at least one famous reindeer said they didn't want to take the drugs but felt they needed to in response to peer pressure.

"All the cool people were doing it. They told me just to relax and enjoy it," one reindeer is quoted as saying in the report. "But I didn't like it and I didn't enjoy it and those who say otherwise are wrong."

That reindeer agreed to ratroll over on others in exchange for his immunity from prosecution. The reindeer has since received death threats. One such threat said, "Remember what happened to "Grandma," an apparent reference to the song "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer."

Scott Butki is a former Herald-Mail reporter who now he works in the special education field. His e-mail address is: and you can read his musings at

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