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First impressions are tough to beat

October 11, 2007|By BIG SYDNEY

Talk about a rude awakening.

I started getting bored with being so good at picking football games, I decided to branch out. I wanted to find something challenging to put a gurgle back in my stomach.

I found it, but the noise forced one of my neighbors to call because they thought I had moved in a pet walrus.

That's a different story.

I decided I was going to start marketing my vast knowledge of football. I figured if Chuck Norris and Brett Farve can push exercise equipment, Peyton Manning can sell TVs and Chad Johnson can use his fat head to move Fatheads, I have a shot to sop up some of that commercial gravy with a biscuit.

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So, I thought about the two things I know the most about - football and eating. And I didn't think there was a market for cinnamon sugar pig's feet.

Football it was.

I went back to my roots from playing and coaching, and made a tape showing a new technique linemen can use to block.

I had my innovation tested. Went on QVC to promote it. Did the rubber chicken circuit, trying to get some backing. It all seemed good.

I sent the tape to have it packaged and named for distribution. I was going to hang Billy Mays on a Hercules Claw and make him go KaBoom with my informercial.

I started out with a gala party in downtown Dargan to introduce my product.

I thought I had a perfect setting. It was at Dargan's new sports bar, complete with pretty waitresses in the familiar orange owl setting. But at this place, all you could get was Earl Grey and Oolong while they sold straw to feed cows.

It's called Tea and Hay.

Well, anyhow, no one showed up for the gala. I called around and everyone said they were skeptical about the product.

I couldn't figure it out.

Everywhere I went, no one would take a look at my innovation to revolutionize line play.

I went all over.

It got real bad. The Police Athletic League went undercover on me and went into a stall.

I even got run out of Idaho, of all places, without even a snap.

I had the door slammed in my face as I tried to plead my case in front of Congress, just to get it off the ground.

I couldn't figured out why it all was going so bad. I never had this much of a problem being a success before.

Then, a marketing guy pulled me off to the side and pointed out the problem.

I never realized how much the name meant to the image of the product. I had to go back to the drawing board.

I guess anything with the name "Wide Stance" has a negative image nowadays.

On with the picks: Last week - 17-5; Overall - 81-28.

HIGH SCHOOLS

Friday

Middletown 36, North Hagerstown 17

Frederick 41, South Hagerstown 20

Smithsburg 38, Brunswick 16

Catoctin 30, Clear Spring 12

Poolesville 21, Hancock 18

Martinsburg 27, Calvin Coolidge 14

Musselman 31, Hedgesville 23

Berkeley Springs 28, Keyser 26

Carlisle 34, Chambersburg 24

Boiling Springs 31, James Buchanan 16

Greencastle 33, East Pennsboro 14

Saturday

Boonsboro 20, Williamsport 16

Waynesboro 37, Scotland 21

Maret 27, St. James 23

Mercersburg Academy 24, Hill School 14

COLLEGES

Saturday

Penn State 31, Wisconsin 21

Shepherd 34, Concord 20

PROS

Sunday

Packers 26, Redskins 20

Ravens 18, Rams 13

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