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Time's a wastin' on some of the top 100 choices

May 08, 2007|by TIM ROWLAND

No time to waste on the top side, I am ready to launch into my keen analysis of Time Magazine's top 100 people who shape our world. I'll begin with Artists and Entertainers and get through as many as space permits:

Tina Fey - Never heard of her.

Youssou N'Dour - Never heard of him.

Anna Netrebko - Never heard of her.

Justin Timberlake - Heard of him. Wish I hadn't.

Sacha Baron Cohen - Thought I hadn't heard of him until I realized he was Borat. Why can't they use his real name?

Leonardo DiCaprio - He's done enough good work that I've finally forgiven him for "Titanic."

Nora Roberts - BAY-BEE! Washington County makes da list! Mad props, Nora. Means there's hope for Bernadette Wagner.

Rick Rubin - Never heard of him.

Martin Scorsese - I know the name. I don't know why.

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Cate Blanchett - Never trust anyone who doesn't know how to spell Kate.

Alber Elbaz - Never heard of him.

America Ferrera - Never heard of her, although judging by her photo, wouldn't mind being introduced.

Simon Fuller - Never heard of him. Even after reading his bio, I still couldn't figure out why he's famous. Of course the bio was written by David Beckham, so that may be part of it.

Brian Grazer - Never heard of him.

John Mayer - Never heard of him.

David Mitchell - How did not one, but two writers sneak into this Loser's Lounge?

Kate Moss - The Medellin Cartel must be wiping away a tear of pride.

Rosie O'Donnell - Ha ha, good one. OK, seriously, who's No. 19?

Brad Pitt - He hates it when we're out together, because women are less likely to notice his looks.

Shonda Rhimes - Never heard of her.

Kara Walker - Wish I'd heard of her, because the bio says she "revels in cruelty and laughter." We would have so much to discuss.

Brian Williams - A news man with influence? Oh, that takes me back.

Leaders and Revolutionaries

Queen Elizabeth II - The woman or the cruise ship?

Tzipi Livni - I caught that once. Boy did it itch.

Peter Akinola - Never heard of him.

Liu Qi - He hasn't spoken to me since my column making light of the Beijing Olympics.

Condoleezza Rice - The criteria just say "shape our world." They don't specify that it has to be in a good way.

Omar Hassan al-Bashir - See what I mean?

John Roberts - One Roberts would have been sufficient, in my view.

Sonia Gandhi - The Gandhi family has to be running out of names by now, no? Next leader of India may be Jason Gandhi.

Raul Castro - Time's token Communist.

Arnold Schwarzenneger - Time's token Republican.

Gen. David Petraeus - A military genius credited with making the Green Zone slightly larger.

Hillary Clinton - I forget, is she the good Clinton or the bad Clinton?

Hu Jintao - Dude doesn't make my list until he apologizes for the dog food.

King Abdullah - Oh come on, the Saudis are so 1992.

Nancy Pelosi - Didn't see that coming.

Barack Obama - Can we just stipulate the rest of the Democratic presidential field and be done with it?

Michael Bloomberg - New York City is not his fault.

Ayatullah Ali Khamenei - My third favorite Ali, after Mohammed and Chemical.

Pope Benedict XVI - Every Top 100 list needs a pope, kind of like every baseball team needs a cleanup hitter.

Angela Merkel - As they say on The Simpsons, no one who speaks German can be all bad.

Osama bin Laden - Weird. The only one who didn't pose for his Time 100 headshot. Anyway, I think OBL has to be a good place to stop. I don't know who's more relieved about that, you or me.

Tim Rowland is a Herald-Mail columnist. He can be reached at 301-733-5131, ext. 2324 or via e-mail at timr@herald-mail.com. You can listen to his podcast, The Rowland Rant, on www.antpod.com.

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