Things I wish newsmakers had said

April 01, 2007|By BOB MAGINNIS

Today is April Fool's Day and it occurred to me it might be amusing to have some fun at local and state newsmakers' expense by imagining them saying things that they might never ordinarily say.

To make sure all readers understand, the following quotes are made up, by me, just for laughs.

Washington County Commissioner William Wivell: "Well, it's not in the budget, but let's approve it anyway because every now and then you've got to splurge, right?"

Washington County Commissioner James Kercheval: "You know, I think you've got me convinced it is unfair to keep subsidizing county residents' sewer rates with tax money we've collected from Hagerstown residents."

Washington County Commissioner Kristin Aleshire: "I haven't read the details of the proposal, but if you guys have a gut feeling that it's OK, let's go ahead."


Maryland State Senate President Thomas V. Mike Miller: "I admit I beat the drum hard for this electricity deregulation thing and now I can see I was terribly wrong. What can I do to help out the people who are going to get stuck with higher power bills?"

Maryland House Speaker Michael Busch: "All right, let's flip a coin. Even I'm tied of my inability to decide where I stand on this slot-machine issue."

Maryland Gov. Martin O'Malley: "I figure it will take until the 2008 session for the legislative leadership to stop celebrating the fact that they helped elect a Democrat and actually expect me to take some bold action."

Maryland State School Superintendent Nancy Grasmick: "If the governor doesn't agree with the way I do things, I guess I'll have to go. A strong partnership at government's top levels for the children's sake is more important than me staying in this job."

Baltimore City school officials: "Before we ask for another nickel from the state, we realize we must prove to Maryland citizens that we've been responsible in spending what we've gotten previously."

Hagerstown Councilwoman Penny Nigh: "Mr. Mayor, I'm feeling kind of mellow tonight. Can I just skip 'council comments' and not say anything?"

Hagerstown Councilman Lew Metzner: "Let me think about my position for a second before I reply. I don't want to drive you all to distraction by rambling around for 10 minutes before I get to the point."

Hagerstown Mayor Bob Bruchey: "Yes, keeping this council moving in one direction is a little bit like herding cats."

Ron Hovis, veteran activist who opposed changing the name of Hagerstown's Memorial Boulevard to Willie Mays Way: "Sometimes, when you believe your cause is right, you forget that you might be hurting some other people's feelings. Sorry, Mr. Mays."

Former Washington County School Board candidate Tom Janus: "You know, I might disagree with Superintendent (Elizabeth) Morgan on some issues, but I believe she's a good lady who's got the community's best interests at heart."

Downtown Hagerstown developer Mike Deming: "We couldn't have done what we've done downtown without a tremendous amount of help from the city government."

Merle Unger Jr., convicted in the 1975 slaying of Hagerstown Police Ofc. Donald Kline: "I've had a lot of time to think about it and I don't believe it's fair for me to put Officer Kline's family through another trial. I'll just do my time."

Former Maryland Gov. Robert Ehrlich: "I probably wasn't re-elected because I passed a couple of tax increases, including the "flush tax," but couldn't pass a slots bill to keep taxes down."

Any tavern owner in Maryland: "Yea, banning smoking makes sense from a health standpoint, both for my employees and my customers, who should thank me from discouraging a bad habit."

Former Maryland Comptroller William Donald Schaefer: "Now that we're both out of office, I'm thinking about burying the hatchet and doing some consulting work in partnership with with (former Gov.) Parris Glendening."

Maryland Del. Jon S. Cardin, D-Baltimore County, the sponsor of a bill to study gaming around the state, including tip-jar gambling in Washington County: "Of course we know your county's program has adequate oversight. We just think we need to be partners - you'll collect the money and we'll help you spend it."

Philosopher Allan Powell: "I'm going through a difficult time now and I'm hoping that it turns out well. Say a little prayer for me, would you?"

The proponents of allowing Maryland greater access to "raw" or unpasteurized milk: "What do the scientists know? These Food and Drug Administration reports of E.coli and salmonella outbreaks are just meant to scare people."

Editorial Page Editor Bob Maginnis, alleged whose claim to be a Washington County native has been challenged by Mail Callers, who say he's been here only 30 years: "I never said I was a native, just that I'm the father of two. Occasionally even I get confused about whether, given my ambiguous status, I should be allowed to stay."

Bob Maginnis is

editorial page editor of

The Herald-Mail newspapers.

The Herald-Mail Articles