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Pigskin, Syd both don't fit in ballroom

November 16, 2006|by BIG SYDNEY

Now, I'm really mad.

I was channel surfing the other day, looking for something football-related to watch and couldn't find a thing. I've got a dish the size of a pu-pu platter with every station known to man and you would figure there would be something on having to do with football.

The closest thing was to watch Emmitt Smith on that "Dancing with the Stars" show.

And then I really got mad. That should have been me.

The show contacted me to be the token football personality on the show. Last year it was Jerry Rice, and this year it was Emmitt, just because I failed to qualify.

I should have been the one facing that Mario Lopez pretty boy. But, Screeech, I was saved by the bell.

Really, it was a mutual decision, though. I couldn't see demeaning myself in front of the vast population of my prognostication fans. And they rejected me because I couldn't pass the tests.

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When they first contacted me, I looked for help to get ready to dance. I needed to brush up on some things so I didn't look too lame.

I went to two of the Dargan-area dance schools for some help.

The first taught steps while selling almonds on the side. It was called WaltzNuts.

They weren't any help, so I went over to one from my era. It had it all. There were shiny spinning balls and a lighted floor in a chiropractor's office. It was called Slip Disco.

When the dance people showed up, they tried to audition me.

First they wouldn't allow me to wear my standard issued coaching shorts to dance. They stuck me in these tight-fitting tuxedo pants that looked like three coats of paint and showed everything, including the whistle in my pocket (No, I wasn't happy to see them).

Then, they tried to make me do the splits.

I told them that if it didn't involve a banana or bowling, they had a better chance getting an area official to keep his penalty flag in his pocket.

Then, they really embarrassed me. They quizzed me on my dance knowledge.

If they would have asked me about point spreads and selecting game winners, I would have had at least a 75-percent chance. To be honest, I would have had a 100-percent shot ... you don't know how hard it is to pick the wrong team in these games. I have to miss a few to keep my union card.

Still, I thought all these answers were right.

· Ballroom - Where they store all the pigskins.

· Foxtrot - That's what Carolina's coach does as he runs off the field.

· Rumba - The backseat in a real, old Ford.

· Swing - The short pass that made Joe Montana famous.

· Merengue - The stuff on top of lemon pie.

· Tango - When astronauts go in space, it's where they place the orange juice mix. (Hey, where does the Tango?)

· Minuet - It's the dance done before halftime and the end of a game ... the two-minuet warning.

· Ballet - How the ball is placed before a play. You know, "The ref let the ballet on the field before the snap."

The last straw was when they went to pick my partner for the show.

I was hoping for someone long and slinky like the rest of those guys got while dancing on the show.

But no, they had different ideas.

Instead, they wanted to put me in a group with Jonathan Ogden, Orlando Pace, Warren Sapp, Michael Strahan and Jon Jansen.

They said I would star in a "line dance."

On with the predictions. Last week 11-2 (.846); Season 161-51 (.759).

HIGH SCHOOLS

Friday

North Hagerstown 35, Francis Scott Key 30: The Hubs' running game feasts on a steady diet of Key line pie.

Boonsboro 20, Allegany 14: Warriors figure out Campers' tent-dencies.

Saturday

Martinsburg 39, South Charleston 13: The Bulldogs have a trick play for S. Charleston called the 23 Skidoo.

COLLEGES

Today

West Virginia 33, Pittsburgh 17: The Mountaineers figure out why they failed in their last Thursday game. ... It just wasn't in the Cards.

Saturday

Boston College 27, Maryland 20: In the long run, a three-hour loss to the Eagles would be known as The Boston Marathon.

Penn State 17, Michigan State 13: If JoePa gets back to the sidelines, the Nittany Lions will at least have a leg to stand on to get a New Year's Day bowl game.

PROS

Sunday

Ravens 24, Falcons 13: When the Falcons throw interceptions, are they being Vick-timized?

Buccaneers 20, Redskins 10: At this point, not even Campbell's play will get the Redskins to the Souper Bowl.

Browns 17, Steelers 14: Anything that's Frye, can't be good for the Steelers' blood pressure.

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