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There be no aye in me teams. Arrr

September 21, 2006

Avast, you scurvy dogs.

Aye in my element this week because Friday is Talk Like a Pirate Day.

I broke out my mascara and eye patch for the occasion. I found out that I'm a descendant of Jack Sparrow. I'm his long lost cousin, Will Barrow.

My pants are so tight I'm a squashbuckler.

Aye.

It is perfect for football season, too. The Dargan cheerleaders are getting into it for this night only.

OK, lasses, hit it.

"Give me an Arrr."

Thank you, me young wenches. Arrr.

For a snack, I'm only munching on chips, ahoy.

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This is a good time to go to one of the new businesses in Dargan, the cold storage and wood outlet, better known as Shiver me Timbers.

I'm tired of being a landlubber and decided to hit the high seas of the Antietam Creek and build me a squadron of ships to rule. All you nonbelievers of my picks, you will be walking the plank.

Arrr.

By then, it will be time for my dessert. So I'll be able to scream, "Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum," for my meal. I'd eat some corn, too, but a buck an ear is too expensive.

This week, any friend of the local TV weatherman will be called Scallywags.

Arrr.

A pirate's life might be the life for me, but let's face it, it wears thin quickly.

So, I went over to Dargan's local funeral parlor and bedroom furniture, known as Dead Man's Chests, to pick up something to store all my pirate gear until next year.

Rog, the smiling salesman - better known as "Jolly Roger" (Arrr) - was glad to help me. I told him he was too thin ... he looked like nothing but bones.

Anyhow, he took me around to look for a chest to store all this stuff. Rog asked me what I was looking for.

"Arrr. Me wants just the perfect piece of furniture. One that will embrace my pirate heritage and my skills as a football prognosticator."

"And what would that be?" Rog said.

"Well, I want Davy Jones' Locker, of course."

Arrr.

On with the predictions. Last week: 17-6 (.739); Season: 40-17 (.702).

HIGH SCHOOLS

Sidwell Friends 22, St. James 15: Saints, why can't we all just beat Friends?

Thomas Johnson 33, North Hagerstown 13: When the Hubs quarterback scrambles, it's called Logan's run.

South Carroll 38, South Hagerstown 12: This game should be played at the North Pole because it will go South in every direction.

Clear Spring 20, Hancock 13: After this one, Blazers quarterback Munson could run for office.

Tuscarora 19, Smithsburg 15: Titans spot the Leopards' weaknesses.

Williamsport 27, Bishop Walsh 14: Wildcats hang Walsh out to dry.

Martinsburg 31, Broad Run 12: Bulldogs find stout passing will beat Broad Run in the long run.

Friday

Berkeley Springs 41, Frankfort 17: Indians relish playing Frankfort because they have the mustard to catch up and be wieners.

University 34, Hedgesville 14: Eagles get a three-credit course from University.

Fort Hill 30, Musselman 12: No, the Sentinels don't use (English) Bobby pins to keep their hair in place.

Central Dauphin 44, Chambersburg 6: No, Central Dauphin players can't balance balls on their noses.

Jefferson 27, Potomac Falls 14: Receivers are an endangered species at Potomac, so they stay in a Falls (wide)out shelter.

Greencastle 13, Northern 9: No, Northern's uniforms aren't tissue thin or quilted.

Camp Hill 38, James Buchanan 15: Players from Camp Hill can be in tents.

Saturday

Milton Hershey 37, Waynesboro 13: Losing this game is like the Hershey kiss of death for the Indians.

Keyser 28, Boonsboro 19: There is always that swirling wind problem when teams play the Golden Tornado.

Sunday

Mercersburg Academy 18, Hun School 14: It's as easy as Hun, Two, Three for the Blue Storm.

COLLEGES

Maryland 31, Florida International 16: Terps' passing game to dial long distance on this International call plan.

West Virginia 44, East Carolina 20: To beat these Pirates, the Mountaineers can throw Depp.

Ohio State 37, Penn State 21: Lions' coach has fathered new duds that have a pocket to carry the kicking tee. They're calling it a Paterno Tee Suit.

Shepherd 23, Glenville 10: Nobody named Frey or Campbell were ever Pioneers.

PROS

Redskins 30, Texans 14: Houston players use canary-colored nail polish to get the Yellow Toes of Texans.

Bengals 24, Steelers 13: First Jaguars, now Bengals. Pittsburgh is becoming allergic to cats.

Ravens 31, Browns 10: Browns find it isn't healthy to Frye.

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