If the powerful pumps fit, women should wear them

March 14, 2006|by TIM ROWLAND

Those seeking an explanation for everything that's wrong in the world need look no further than last week's United Nations report on the international status of women.

According to the World Bank, "The UN report says rates of female participation in governments across the developed and developing world are still appallingly low and that for women to be adequately represented in their countries, at least 30 percent of parliamentary seats should have a female representative."

That's nice of the male-dominated United Nations to say. But it might want to look at itself in the mirror. When was the last time you saw footage of a female leader taking off her red pump and banging it on the desk of an assembly meeting and shouting "We will bury you!" to emphasize a point?

The answer is never, first because the only women you ever see in the hall are serving hot beverages, and there is little reason to bang a shoe on the desk and shout "Do you want cream?!"


And second, women do not handle their problems that way. When was the last time you saw a woman in a position of power yelling at someone who wasn't her husband?

And the news gets worse. Only 1 percent of the titled land in the world is owned by women, 70 percent of the people living in poverty are women and children, just 21 percent of the world's managers are women, and even in enlightened Britain, just 9 percent of the judges and 10 percent of company directors are women.

There is only one conclusion to draw, and it is this: The world is a mess and it's the guys who have mucked it up. Very few female fingerprints are on the train wreck that is our current geopolitical situation.

As a male, it pains me to say this, but I believe it is time to give the men of this world a deadline. Straighten everything up by 2010, or the jig's up. Replace us all with female counterparts.

First of all, the Middle East would cease to be any problem at all. Is it any coincidence that the hottest spot in all the world is in the place that is most restrictive to the advancement of women?

No way does Iran even consider a nuclear program if it's got a chick at the top. There are about 8 million things on a female agenda that come before weapons-grade plutonium. If you bring yellow cake into her country, you better make sure you used enough eggs.

And Iraq never would have become an issue. A woman would not torture her soccer players after a loss. She would buy them chocolate milk and tell them how cute they looked in their striped shorts. The greatest indignity an Iraqi soccer player would have to face under a female ruler would be a ride in a minivan.

And Israel wouldn't have built a wall, it would have built a trellis and planted clematis. Hamas changes its name to Humus and everyone stops by for appetizers.

Even right here in America, affairs would vastly improve. The Hurricane Katrina disaster never would have happened. She would have been in FEMA's office with her fists on her hips saying, "Have you fortified the levees yet? Have you fortified the levees yet? Have you fortified the levees yet? When are you going to fortify the levees? You are not going to leave this house until you fortify the levees."

What would there be for Brownie to do except drop his head and say, "Yes, dear."

Incidences of bribing on Capitol Hill would go way down. Lobbyist shows up in a representative's office and says, "If you vote for my Indian casino bill, I'll fly you to Scotland to play golf," she's going to say, "Oh great. Golf. Why don't you buy me a miter saw while you're at it."

What can a lobbyist offer in a House full of women? "Yes congresswoman, if you vote for my bill, I'll sit here with you for two hours and talk about my feelings."

Wars will be history. If we have a gripe with North Korea, we won't fight them, we'll just stay here and talk about them behind their backs. We'll finally do something about global warming because our leaders will be concerned that ozone will cause their skin to dry out.

Crime would be down because drug dealers would stand to lose their Internet privileges. Hunger would be solved because instead of sending weapons to Third World rebels, they'd send a covered dish.

Granted, federal spending might still be a problem, but at least we would have something to show for it besides a bunch of craters in the desert. Nice drapes, for example.

Truly, the world's men have failed the human race. It's time to act. I for one, am willing to leave my position of power right now and go home to lie on the couch.

Tim Rowland is a Herald-Mail columnist. He can be reached at 301-733-5131, ext. 2324, or via e-mail at

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