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Syd now a member of the MAPL League

November 10, 2005|by BIG SYDNEY

I found myself in a sticky situation the other day.

I was out training for the JFK. Are you kidding? Not that one.

My JFK is Jumbo Footlong Kielbasa with all the fixings. I was out trying to pick up some napkins when this all happened.

Anyhow, I was cruising along minding my own business when my Sydvic got caught in its tracks on the 81-70 interchange. Then, to make things worse, I slipped on a Shmuffin wrapper as I got out to see what happened and I tripped and fell. You wouldn't believe it, but I was stuck to the ground.

I laid there, cemented to the ground like a Backstreet Boy glued in some teeny bobber's scrapbook when someone finally came over and told me what happened.

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Some driver had toppled his truck while taking the curve on the exit and spilled his entire load of maple syrup across the road.

You guessed it. I didn't just fall. I was pancaked.

After the county roads crew found a spatula big enough to flip me out of the mess, I decided to take care of some business - and I wasn't about to sugar-coat it.

No one was going to butter me up on this one. I was looking for someone to blame and I was going to take them out of the frying pan and into the griddle.

My first step was to take the Sydvic in for repairs. I went to Dargan's unique sub and auto body shop - Freddie's Fenders - and put the order in for lunch and a rubdown of the car.

They waffled on the estimate and told me I needed to leave the Sydvic for the night or at least until their French toast was ready.

Well, being the prognosticator that I am, I couldn't be seen walking the streets of Dargan because I didn't have my car. As this town's second most recognized person - after the asthmatic goat boy, Wheezer the Kid - it would hurt my image to walk.

I waddled down the street to get a car for the day, stopping at a couple of the hot dog carts along the way. I went into the local woodworking, air conditioning and car rental shop - Planes, Tranes and Automobiles - and picked up a Pinto to get me through the day.

I figured I should go and check into what my legal rights are and if my insurance would cover any claim when my Sydvic gets sugar-coated.

My lawyer runs a little shop where he sells do-rags on the side while working on quickie divorces and separations, known in town as the Bandana Splits.

I told him, "Here's the flap, Jack," and asked what my rights are.

He got on the phone and started to make some calls on my behalf.

After about 10 minutes of listening to his Led Zeppelin elevator music, he gave me the bad news.

"This isn't an easy case," he said. "You don't know who you're messing with just because his syrup truck spilled over on your car."

"Oh," I said. "You are going to get scared of some pancake jockey because he has a few silver dollars. For crepes sake, just how big of a figure is this person?"

"You'll never guess," my lawyer said.

"It's probably Mrs. Butterworth," I said.

"No, bigger."

"Aunt Jemima?"

"No, bigger."

"OK then, Buckwheat. He was the Little Rascals pancake king."

"No, bigger yet," my lawyer said. "This guy is someone you know through football connections. He truly is in the syrup business from the moment everything comes out of the tree during the week and he plays in the NFL on weekends. If you go after him, he will not only pancake you, but if you egg him on, he will probably batter you."

"Who could it be?" I asked.

My lawyer looked me in the eye with all the fear in the world and said ...

"Warren Sapp."

On with the predictions. Last week 16-5 (.762), season 181-65 (.736).

HIGH SCHOOLS

North Hagerstown 31, South Hagerstown 13: When North faces South, the team that doesn't go east-west can usually encompass this game.

Boonsboro 34, Smithsburg 18: The Warriors have all the accessories to be fashionable with Shoemaker.

Williamsport 41, Clear Spring 20: The Wildcats make the Blazers sport jackets.

Catoctin 27, Brunswick 20: The Thurmont-ators pound out a win and warn, "I'll be back."

Tuscarora 33, Century 14: Century couldn't beat Tuscarora in 100 years.

Middletown 28, Walkersville 12: With the playoffs ahead, it's time to ride on the Mid-Knight Express.

Maryland School for the Deaf 48, Carson Long 13: Measure it out. There is no way this comes up Long.

W.Va. Class AAA first round

Jefferson 42, Fairmont Senior 22: The Cougars run like UPS Both can always depend on Brown.

W.Va. Class AA first round

Scott 33, Berkeley Springs 19: Scott doesn't have to be great to win this one.

Saturday

Kent County 31, Hancock 14: For the Panthers, its happy Trail to you, until we get beat again

Thomas Johnson 35, Frederick 13: Rumor has it the Queer Eye Fab Five picks the Patriots because they're redcoats.

W.Va. Class AAA first round

Martinsburg 28, Hurricane 24: Ask any weatherman, Hurricane season ends in November.

COLLEGES

North Carolina 19, Maryland 13: Warning to Terrapins: The Surgeon General has determined playing important games on Tobacco Road can be hazardous to your bowl outlook.

PROS

Jaguars 24, Ravens 10: Even with Boller, this one isn't up Baltimore's alley.

Redskins 20, Buccaneers 14: No, a Buccaneer isn't the price of corn in Tampa Bay.

Steelers 27, Browns 13: If the Steelers drive with their running game, it will be a Little Duce coup.

Eagles 21, Cowboys 20: Philly finds out its shocks can handle the suspension.

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