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Time to get my dress up to code

October 20, 2005|by BIG SYDNEY

You caught me in a difficult situation this week.

Instead of sitting at my form-fitting desk, picking the week's football games, I'm coming out of the closet.

Easy. Easy. That collective gasp coming from the loyal readers was enough to knock Wilma off course and send her straight for Rhode Island.

No, it's that new dress code the Battalion of Urban/Rural Prognosticators, aka BURP, has laid on its top game-picking stars.

Here I am going through my wardrobe. Let's see ...

Knitted thong.

Out.

Velvet wetsuit.

Nope.

Nehru jacket.

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Uh-uh.

Fishnet stockings.

Aaaaaa. Never mind.

It's time for me to get over to the store and pick some new duds from Dargan's finest all-purpose emporium. It is a one-stop shop that deals with dandruff, joint replacements and fashion.

It's called Head and Shoulders, Knees and Clothes.

I told the clerk of my problem. BURP is feeding me some gas about how I dress.

I can't keep toothpicks in my mouth when in public before games. So much for the pregame meals at Sam's Club.

No more form-fitting coaching pants. They say they scare the children and are a threat to national security every time I bend over.

No more tweet-tweet. In other professions, they are worried about the bling-bling. BURP sounded off telling me I can't wear my whistle in public anymore.

And to top it all off, I have to cover my "I rate with Kate Smith" tattoo on my ... you don't want to know.

The clerk herded me over to the Obese and Gigantic department to see what we could do.

There wasn't much to pick from, but he handed me one of those garments that are all the rage right now - a see-through tunic.

I told him I didn't know that "Martinizing" was a high-fashion label.

I came out of the dressing room feeling like a new man on the cutting edge of fashion.

Then I looked in the mirror and I was shocked.

I didn't mind it when I was standing there with the latest of trends - Au Naturel in a baggie.

That was OK. But I really let that clerk have it.

I told him I wasn't going to pay all that money for a new, cutting-edge, BURP approved outfit.

He asked, "Why not?"

I told him I wasn't going to pay for something that was so wrinkled.

On with the predictions. Last week 22-4 (.846), season 122-50 (.709).

HIGH SCHOOLS

St. James 41, Bishop Walsh 13: No, St. James' helmets are not know as Saint hoods.

Linganore 31, Tuscarora 7: The Titans suffer a medieval evening at the hands of that Lancers lot.

Liberty 20, Frederick 16: The life in Liberty leaves the Cadets without any pursuits for happiness.

Winters Mill 21, Walkersville 8: Lions' lack of rushing defense can't stop the run of the Mill.

Urbana 27, Middletown 14: The Hawks make sure there will be no Mid-Knight Special shining its ever-loving light on them.

Friday

St. John's at Prospect Hall 38, Baltimore Lutheran 13: This one will be a denomination domination.

Boonsboro 20, North Hagerstown 14: That Shoemaker kid is no loafer.

Brunswick 28, Smithsburg 18: Railroaders' training puts Leopards on the spot.

Catoctin 47, Clear Spring 22: To celebrate this one, the Cougars will enjoy some lobster at the Thurmont door.

Westminster 24, Thomas Johnson 13: The Westminster game is no dog show for the Pats ... and they get woofed up.

Martinsburg 30, Fort Hill 20: After last week, the Bulldogs stare into the mirror and go for some malice in Cumberland.

Musselman 17, Hampshire 12: The best way to figure the Applemen's score is to multiply by pi.

Jefferson 33, Hedgesville 13: Cougars are so hot, they have a third-degree Burns.

Hollidaysburg 35, Chambersburg 14: No, the Trojans won't get a TD and a half for working on Hollidaysburg.

Beall 42, Berkeley Springs 23: Indians find scoring drives are expensive when they ring up all those Beall tolls.

Trinity 45, Waynesboro 19: Indians get crossed up by Trinity.

Greencastle 22, West Perry 19: There is nothing re-moat about this one for Greencastle.

Boiling Springs 44, James Buchanan 14: Rockets can't burst the Bubblers.

Saturday

South Hagerstown 8, Williamsport 7: Rebels become the Sumlin of all parts.

New Town 18, Hancock 14: With the gravity of defense, the Panthers hit the opposing quarterback and scream "I sack New Town."

Mercersburg Academy 28, Bullis School 16: There is no truth to the rumor that Mercersburg alum, actor Benicio Del Toro, defeated Bullis single-handedly with just a red cape.

COLLEGES

Virginia Tech 38, Maryland 16: Can't pick against any team that can afford a Beamer.

Penn State 31, Illinois 10: The Nittany Lions let the "I"s have it - Deny Illini alumni of victory.

Shepherd 27, West Virginia Wesleyan 14: Rams ring Bobcats' Kimes.

PROS

Redskins 27, 49ers 10: Nothing would be finer than to beat the 49ers on Sunday morning.

Ravens 16, Bears 13: For Baltimore, this becomes a Kodiak moment in their season.

Bengals 21, Steelers 20: This is a stripe tease the Steelers can't bare to watch.

Eagles 33, Chargers 21: Poor Chargers are running short of credit for the line.

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