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My prognosticating powers are like my pizza

September 15, 2005|by BIG SYDNEY

The gavel fell.

Chair: Be seated. The hearing to confirm the chief prognosticator of the United States is now in session. Are you ready to proceed, Mr. Big Sydney?

Big Syd: Do I have any other choice?

Chair:I turn the floor over to my esteemed colleague from Nevada. Your question?

Nevada: Thank you, Mr. Chairman.

Mr. Big Sydney, I have noticed over the years that you can't seem to keep your success rate at 80 percent. Can this panel assume you are skimming off the top to make a profit in all this or are you just overqualified for this position?

Big Syd: Sir, I resent that remark. I don't believe in skimming my milk, my cold chicken fat or the top shelf of my fridge where I keep expired cottage cheese. Why, in the name of Jimmy the Greek, would I consider skimming on my predictions? I take offense that you would imply that I'm dishonest.

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Many people in life would love to be close to nailing four out of five choices. If you are going after me, why don't you tackle that one dentist who doesn't believe in Trident?

Chair: Thank you. I would now like to recognize a visitor from Washington County who would like to ask a question.

Washington County: I have been following your career for years. I have noticed a trend of bias that I think should preclude you from sitting in the highest prognostication court in the land. You only choose the schools from our county to win half the time and never included Clear Spring in your picks until last year. You work for a Washington County paper, you should be cheering for our schools and picking us to win all the time.

Big Syd: Yo, Buck. Have a Slim Jim or go hunt a deer. Relax a little.

First, I'd like to thank Washington County for reading my picks and doing everything in its power to help me reach that 80 percent plateau.

From my humble beginnings in the Everglades of Dargan, I have kept an eye on Washington County and if you would chip the Speedway dust off your specs, you would see two things.

No. 1 - I couldn't pick against Clear Spring until last season because this is only their second year of football. No. 2 - Since Washington County teams play in the MVAL Antietam, they play against each other all the time. That means half the time I'm picking against a WashCo team.

You're about as observant as the Geek Squad at the Miss American Pageant, aren't you?

Washington County: Err, ummm, Thank you.

Chair: Thank you. We are out of time for this confirmation hearing. Do you have any final statements, Mr. Big Sydney?

Big Syd: I'd like to thank this committee for considering me for this position. I know it has to be filled by Oct. 3 before the opening of the session or the first Heisman vote, whatever comes first.

I want to let this committee know that I'm about as pure a nominee as you will find.

I lean to the right on running games and to the left when it comes to passing.

I choose American over Swiss every time, unless head cheese is available.

I honor all Smiths and Joneses in the world, especially Kate and Grace.

I prefer great taste over less filling.

And when it comes to my football, I prefer tackle over touch, unless it's in a pickup game with the Cowboys cheerleaders.

And if that doesn't sell you on why I should be courted as the chief prognosticator of the U.S., just considering what my favorite pizza is should sell you right away.

Chair: And what would that be Mr. Big Sydney?

Big Syd: Supreme, of course.

On with the predictions. Last week 23-7 (.767), season 35-13 (.729).

HIGH SCHOOLS

Friday

North Hagerstown 30, Frederick 26: To make it worse, the Hubs already have Mency on the Cadets.

Tuscarora 38, South Hagerstown 21: Titans find out that Rebels are not the Sumlin of all their parts.

Middletown 23, Boonsboro 13: Do the Mid-Knights train in Georgia?

Poolesville 21, Smithsburg 8: Falcons take the cue and chalk up a victory by getting all the breaks.

Williamsport 20, Frankfort 15: After being the illiamsport ildcats for so long, they figured other things a 'W' can stand for last week in Hancock.

Westmar 33, Clear Spring 24: If this was an Ali boxing match the call would be "Down goes Blazers. Down goes Blazers."

Brunswick 28, Walkersville 19: After last week, the Railroaders offense took a ride on the Orientation Express to correct things.

St. John's at Prospect Hall 37, John Carroll 12: The Vikings will always find potential players as long as they have Prospect Hall.

Martinsburg 34, Hampshire 13: Hampshire runs the wheel to nowhere against the Bulldogs.

Musselman 22, James Wood 14: Applemen get the knock on Wood.

Jefferson 27, Broad Run 7: Cougars win in the long run over Broad Run.

Hedgesville 20, Sherando 19: Eagles finally stop them, but they sure ran though.

Chambersburg 40, CD East 21: Trojans tune in to rap CD.

MSD 43, Rockwood 13: No, Fred Flinstone and Barney Rubble didn't graduate from Rockwood.

Waynesboro 27, Greencastle 22: It took time for the Indians, but good things happen when you're Livengood.

Berkeley Springs 31, Northern Garrett 14: Indians use the Tribe and true method for victory.

Saturday

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