Advertisement

It's time for my well-deserved break

December 03, 2004|by Big Sydney

Whew.

Man, am I tired.

Here it is, the end of the 2004 area football season and I need a break. These three-hour, one-day work weeks are killing me.

Believe me, I have a real feeling for how those poor, overworked NBA players feel. It's so hard to cope with all the hours. And then, it's an inconvinence with overtime.

So, I'm about to take a long deserved break. I'm getting out of the prognosticating game for now and I'm looking for new avenues to take my talents.

Advertisement

You wouldn't think so, but I have had a lot of offers coming my way. I'm just going to spend some time weighing them.

For example, my name is popping up to take over for Urban Meyer at Utah if he should happen to leave to take the job at Notre Dame.

It's so odd how I got on the short list.

I was at a recent Football Coaches and Prognosticators Buffet and Yard Sale, standing in line for my third helping of dinner. Someone must have overheard my comment when I was asked what I wanted. I said, "More, man."

All of a sudden, I get a phone call from Salt Lake City. Coincidence, I think not.

Then I got a call to take over the Cleveland Browns. I fell off that list quickly when I told them I prefer blondes. So much for that resume addition.

Then, I had a chance to be Jason Giambi's training partner ... or was that his pin cushion.

The other day, I thought I was going to get a position as Ken Jennings' question writer. I took too long to make my decision because of my devotion to The Herald-Mail and my job was in Jeopardy.

I'll take You Snooze, You Lose for $600, Alex.

This lummox missed out on creating The Clapper because he was trying to come up with weird snacks for football games to capitalize on Martha Stewart's vacation in striped PJs.

Who is that guy called Large Cyrus ... or something like that?

Fame is so fleeting.

I have it all figured out.

I'm going to spend my time promoting my new rap album in my off time. Talk about a tiring venture.

It's called "I'm all chins and cheeks and working with geeks" by Biggy S.Y.D., in honor of the guys at the H-M.

The first single will be called "Pick it by a nose" and it goes something like:

"I'm a big rotund man;

Who's workin' with a plan;

To pick every game and get me some fame;

I'm going to take my chance, and go out and freelance;

To get what I need and there's no reason to plead.

I got my baby, LuSydna and she's finer than tinker toys;

'Cuz I put her together and take her apart, just like Jones with the Cowboyz.

That's cuz I'm Biggy and I have all the spreads;

As in sandwich, bed and middle-age that I hide with my threads;

Bling, Bling. Ching. Ching. You can't stop me cause I got Snap, Crackle and Pop."

From my estimates, it will be on it's way to become an instant classic and I won't have to sully myself to do this gig anymore.

So I went to my boss, sports editor Mark Keller, and told him I was tired from all this rap stuff and asked if I could have some time, like a month, off.

He got really upset and was going to bench me for two columns. But then, I put up a fight.

So he saw it my way, and suspended me until next August.

He knows talent when he sees it.

In fact, Keller told me, "I can see you're not a prognosticator. You're a true Artest."

On with the predictions. Last week 4-1 (.800), season 217-56 (.795).

HIGH SCHOOLS

Morgantown 31, Martinsburg 23: If Jeremiah was a Bulldog, he'd be a real good friend of mine.

PROS

Ravens 23, Bengals 14: Ravens store up and turn this into a stripe maul.

Giants 20, Redskins 10: Washington can't understand Shakespeare, because NY's Barber isn't civil.

Eagles 31, Packers 16: Philly wards off Cheeseheads with a stake.

Steelers 28, Jaguars 13: Even MacGyver would have trouble doing what Pittsburgh has done with a Duce and a Bus token.

The Herald-Mail Articles
|
|
|