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NFL promo turns Syd into a towel of power

November 19, 2004|by Big Sydney

You'll have to pardon me if there aren't as many picks as usual this week.

I'm a little distracted. It's hard flipping coins, crunching numbers and throwing darts while blindfolded when you have this much on your mind.

Thanks to my keen eye, discerning taste and that I have a lot of time on my hands - and because I make a heck of a chip dip - I have been elected as a member of a committee to try and clean up sports.

I'm honored to take the position. I was notified by SPIRAL - Stout Prognosticators In Real Awful Lingerie - after that little Terrell Owens-Nicolette Sheridan incident before Monday Night Football.

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We are not upset with the promo as much as how could they let that poor girl wear a training room towel. It was disgraceful. The least they could do was put her in Ron Jaworski's old jersey. Heck, he isn't using it.

Well after the promo was aired, I was contacted along with Martha Stewart, Steve Jamieson, Anna Nicole Smith and Pee Wee Herman to make up the committee. At first, I thought this was going to be the cast for Surreal Life 3, but this committee will do.

At our first meeting, we are going to decide what things should be voted out of sports for being too suggestive. The NFL and other sports have decided that sports is no place for sex. Next week, the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders will be unveiling their burlap bag uniforms.

Now we are looking at changing some names.

For one, packed posterior will be the new name of the position formerly known as tight end.

Players will forever more slip into bulletproof BVDs (a promotional ploy) instead of girdle pads.

Quarterbacks will have to meet the parents of his offensive linemen and explain his intentions before he can take a snap from center.

We are having trouble trying to figure out if rollout pass, au natural will catch on like naked bootleg did before it.

As you can tell, I'm taking this appointment pretty seriously.

There could be a big future in this for me.

There are a lot of openings on President Bush's new cabinet and I love making furniture. I could be the Secretary of Defense or the Director of Home Team Security.

Or even better yet, I'd be a natural as the head of the FBI - Food, Brew and Indigestion.

It was just an idea.

On with the predictions. Last week 8-4 (.667), season 207-54 (.793).

HIGH SCHOOLS

Martinsburg 34, Jefferson 19: Will the Bulldogs collar the Cougars with a flea flicker?

Northwest 20, Frederick 13: Cadets don't take to directions very well.

Saturday

Allegany 27, Smithsburg 17: Leopard turnovers hit the spot for happy Campers.

COLLEGES

Michigan State 17, Penn State 9: When the Nittany Lions' coach dresses up is he wearing a Paterno-ity suit?

PROS

Ravens 27, Cowboys 10: Little known fact: The Cowboys love to cook because they feel at home on the range.

Steelers 31, Bengals 14: Bengals don't use audibles because checks don't go well with stripes.

Eagles 34, Redskins 13: Philly, Owens make 'Skins throw in the towel, not drop it.

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