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Hittting stride to win bragging rights by a hair

November 11, 2004|by DAN KAUFFMAN

Not to toot my own horn ... aw, forget it, I don't feel like being modest ... I now own bragging rights over two co-workers.

If you recall, more than a year ago when I was 40 pounds lighter and still had most of my hair (don't believe that three-year-old mugshot), I used a little geometry to win a longest drive competition over Tim Koelble during a tournament at Black Rock. That's what happens when you cut the angle a little better than your competition, and the ball closest to the pin (rather than farthest from the tee) wins. Never mind my ball might have gone 220 yards and Tim's 270 ...

Anyway, on Saturday I put my boss in his rightful place.

(Insert sarcastic smirk here.)

These are the kinds of things that happen in the office. As high school football scores started rolling in Friday night, I made the comment, in jest, that I could run for 150 yards against a certain team. Truth is, I couldn't run for five yards against any team. Anyway, sports editor Mark Keller chimes in that he could run for 200 yards, which prompted me to say something to the effect of, "Yeah, that's cause you're so fat all the defenders would bounce off you."


(How cool is it that I can say things like that to my boss? Is this the greatest job ever, or what?)

Mark was silent for a few moments before letting loose with this: "I bet I could take you in a 100-meter race."

I was silent for a few moments before letting loose with this: "I think I'm going to have to call you on that."

So, on Saturday night around 8:30, the proud co-owners of "The Balding Ponsons" impulsively settled their dispute under the lights of The Herald-Mail parking lot in front of tens. And, of course, I won.

How? Simple. I got a couple steps on Mark early, hit the wall halfway down the "track," thought about dropping out, then found my second wind with 20 meters left and gutted out a victory which was inspirational to all who watched. I got a twin pack of creme-filled chocolate cupcakes as a "trophy," which seems oddly fitting.

So to recap, I hit the golf ball far, run incredibly fast (ala Luis Matos, who once beat Zippy Chippy) and lose hair faster.

(Oh yeah ... upon learning of the challenge Friday night, Mark's wife Stacy asked him, "How old are you guys, 10?" When I told my wife about this, she rolled her eyes and said, "More like two." As usual, the truth is funnier that fiction.)

Dan Kauffman is a staff writer for The Herald-Mail. His column appears every other Thursday. He can be reached at 301-733-5131, ext. 7520, or by e-mail at

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