Brain, plan not required to win

November 04, 2004|by TIM ROWLAND

I desperately hope it's over by the time you read this. I hope Republican goons haven't burst into Ohio polling places and pointed shotguns at all the Democrats, and that Democrat lawyers haven't sued Florida because some homeless guy ate his ballot.

So if you're as sick of it all as I am, it is time to raise your voice in song, knowing that the whole mess won't come around again for another four years. Being an equal-opportunity hater, I have prepared a song for both candidates.

The first is to be sung by John Kerry, whose mysterious "plan" for every ill under the sun was never actually explained beyond "I have a plan..." It's to the tune of Tammy Wynette's "Stand By Your Man." And if you're under 30 and have never heard of the song - hey, would it kill you to spend a buck to download the MP3?

Stand By Your Plan

Sometimes it's hard
To solve a problem.
If I have to pick,
Only just one side.
I'll vote for it,
Then I'll vote against it
On issues I don't understand.
But if you're running,
For higher office.
You've got to cover,
all your tracks.
I'll have to fudge it,
Talking 'bout the budget,
To convince the world I have "a plan."

Stand by my plan.
Even if I have no clue,
Of what I'd really do,
About jobs, or war, or health care.
Stand by my plan.
Forget about the details,
I'll send you lots of e-mails,
And feed you all the guff I can
Stand by my plan.

What is my plan?
Sometimes I can't remember,
To which group I want to pander,
And then I have to flip-flop.
What is my plan?
Am I the bad or good cop,
Am I mouse or am I man?
What is my plan?

I have no plan.
Who do I think I'm kidding?
If the voters do my bidding,
I'll have to dream one up, man.
I have no plan.
I just say that for the media,
To distract them from Theresa.
I'm more scattered than Peter Pan,
I have no plan.

All right, needs work. Fine. I'm more confident in the other one, partially because I stole the idea from an old press-pool ditty about Gerry Ford. This time around it's from George Bush and it's to the tune of the Scarecrow's Wizard of Oz song...

If I Only Had a Brain

I could while away the hours
Neglecting all my powers
As we go down the drain.
I could make the Muslims cower
I could be an Eisenhower
If I only had a brain

I could hold down crude oil prices
And solve the health care crisis
The consumers would feel no pain.
There'd be no more terror loomin'
I could be another Truman
If I only had a brain.

Pay no attention to the curtain
It's really me, not Halliburton
That's piloting our plane.
I could catch up with Osama
And I'd dynamite his llama

If I only had a brain.

I'd hold the line on Rumsfield's larks
Find oil outside of National Parks
Pronounce "nuclear" without strain.
I could do a lot of thinkin'
I could be another Lincoln
If I only had a brain.

I would call a special session
to bring back the Great Depression
With 'simpler times' as my refrain.
I'd revive the horseless carriage
I would wipe out all gay marriage
If I only had a brain.

Kenny Boy would get a pardon
Plus a trip to the Rose Garden
Big tax cuts wouldn't wane.
I would compensate the wealthy
Convince the Greens arsenic is healthy
If I only...

This one's going nowhere, too. You really deserved a better effort on my part, but I wasn't feeling good.


Sort of.

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