Reasons I hate late summer sports, from A to Zzzzz

July 24, 2003|by DAN KAUFFMAN

If there's one thing July has convinced me of, it's that September can't get here fast enough.

(Wow ... six years ago I was still in high school trying to make every week of summer count. Now look at me. I'm talking like an adult. Scary.)

Why? For one, the sports scene is stagnant. Beyond stagnant.

Sure, Lance Armstrong appears on his way to a fifth straight Tour de France title, which would be a tremendous accomplishment no one should yawn at.

Yawwwwwwn ...

Sorry. Couldn't help it.

Maybe I'd be more interested if I could actually watch the Tour. There used to be hour-long recaps of each stage daily on ESPN a few years ago. Either the ratings weren't good enough or the shows cost too much to make (probably a little of both). Without television coverage, I'm afraid the Tour doesn't do much for me.


Besides, the lack of such coverage means my viewing options on ESPN and ESPN2 one day last week consisted of water polo or Ultimate Heavy Athletics.

Yawwwwwwn ... ZZZZzzzzzzzzzz ...

Makes a guy long for World Series of Poker reruns.

Fortunately, the dead days of televised sports will soon be over, because in less than two weeks, the magic of preseason football returns.

Magic? Are you kidding me? There's nothing like watching a bunch of third-stringers fight to get on the 53-man roster.

On the other hand, it's better than watching 300-pound men heave heavy sacks up and over a 30-foot bar with a pitchfork. Or American Juniors.

(Now, if the 300-pound men heaved the American Juniors up and over a 30-foot bar, then we'd have something! ... That was a joke, I swear.)

August brings us the PGA Championship - the undisputed fourth most important major championship, whether the PGA likes it or not - and the Little League World Series. Unless either Danny Almonte or South Mountain Little League is in Williamsport, Pa., I'm not watching.

Of course, there are those O's.

zzzzz ... Wha?!? ... Whew! What a nightmare! ... zzzzzzz ...

This is all your fault, Mr. Angelos. You had a good thing going in the late '90s before you fired Davey Johnson for no good reason. Look where the team is now. That they're somewhat respectable - thanks to a recent hot streak - is in no part due to you.

So basically, I'm left longing for football. Real football, not that preseason garbage where some schmuck goes nuts and convinces me to take him too high in my fantasy draft, then stinks up the joint when it counts.

That means I'm longing for September.

There's also another reason it can't get here fast enough, but it has nothing to do with sports.

Just ask my fiancee.

Dan Kauffman is a staff writer for The Herald-Mail. His column appears every other Thursday. He can be reached at 301-733-5131, ext. 7520, or by e-mail at

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