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Men finally have a good reason to vote

September 26, 2002|by TIM ROWLAND

Today's column is about voluptuous, scantily clad women.

There, that oughta hold 'em for about eight paragraphs.

Well? Who can blame me? Everyone is using flashy broads as a marketing tool now, a way of attracting attention to otherwise mundane subjects that you couldn't get people to pay attention to if you put a gun to their heads. And I am speaking specifically here of politics and fishing shows.

It stands to reason, because who can think of two more boring topics that are clearly in need of an appeal injection.

We all know about politics. Washington Countians were so excited about politics that eight out of 10 registered voters celebrated primary election day earlier this month by staying home and grouting their tubs.

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Fishing shows, however, may not have crossed your radar screen and if they haven't, consider yourself blessed. All fishing shows are the same: Two hoopies in a bass boat in the middle of a lake/river/ocean tossing in lines and, unlike the real world, where you get a "strike" about once every 25,000 casts, these guys reel in a lunker every time.

As a general thing, the fish look about as energetic as if they've been lying on ice in the fish counter at the grocery for the past three days. But when the guys pull in their lines they always grab the fish by the gills and give it a good shake and say something like "Whoa, got us a live one here! Whoa!"

Well, speaking strictly for myself, after I've watched some scruffy faced guy in a Zebco baseball cap and mirrored sunglasses do exactly the same thing about 100 times in a row, I begin to lose interest.

So naturally my ears pricked up when I was notified by Kerry Henson of Hagerstown that ESPN has modified its fishing shows to include (see opening sentence).

Henson writes "There IS a lot of fishing going on, however it is interspaced with quick shots of the girls in different positions on the boat in 'candid' shots."

Obviously, this is a lot like real life. When I go fishing I can't tell you how many long, flaxen-haired, big-bosomed women in thongs are just begging me to come with, so they can lie suggestively around the boat and watch me get worm guts caught in my teeth.

But hey, it must get ratings. And if this gimmick gets ratings, who knows, maybe it will get votes. At least that's the hope of North Carolina Libertarian House of Delegates candidate Rachel Mills, who is posing in "a provocative pin-up calendar that is now available for sale," according to a Libertarian Party press release.

Mills said the current political system leaves third parties with little choice. "When the powers that be absorb all the funds you raise in ballot access and petitioning expenses, you have to get really creative with how you fund your bid for office," she said.

All right, all right, let's get them out of the way right now so we can move on. "She can access my ballot anytime." "I've heard of polling the electorate, but this is ridiculous."

There, happy? Heavens, I hate playing to the lowest common denominator, but in today's society anymore it's expected. If you have any more lowball political humor, feel free to e-mail it to me at timrowland@pluto.com

I wonder if the League of Women Voters is tracking with this? They're always looking to raise voter awareness so perhaps they can learn from Rachel and the fish guys. And really, are pin-ups in the voting booth really that outrageous of an idea?

People worry about the gender gap, with women showing up at the polls in greater percentages than men? Not anymore.

Could cause some problems on the homefront, though. "I don't know Alice, Ricardo said he had to work late, but I have a really bad feeling in the pit of my stomach that he went out to vote."

Tim Rowland is a Herald-Mail columnist.

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