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Politics full of knockout performances

September 17, 2002|by TIM ROWLAND

Well, my hand-picked county commissioner candidates didn't do so well last week.

I was rooting for the all Double L ticket, that being Wivell, Phillips, Russell, Trujillo and Miller.

Their campaign signs, of course, would have been yeLLow.

By the way, nice performance turned in on election night by Del. Joe Bartlett's mommy. According to a local newspaper account, she threw a fit because her boy's name was left off a Republican campaign sign.

An eyewitness told the paper she ripped down a sign and stomped on it.

Look, we expect that kind of behavior at a Little League game, but not in politics. Next time mom, just give Joey his binky and go home.

And instead of a donkey or elephant, their animal would have been a LLama. And their official dessert would have been Jell - what do you mean I'm under arrest?

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I'm not a big believer in alphabetical order on the ballot being a deciding factor in elections, but this would have been the wrong year for Fred Ziffle to toss his hat into the ring. Not counting incumbents, the last letter of the alphabet that showed up among the 10 winners was "N," that being Dori Nipps - and even she's an incumbent school board member. Even Ira Kauffman was the 11th-highest vote getter, and only eight votes shy of being No. 10.

The other losing candidates all had last names beginning with "M" or lower: M (2), N, P (2), R (3) and T (2).

Speaking of Dori, another ticket I thought might have been good was "Toothman" and "Nipps."

Just for a little day-after-election-day drama, thieves broke into the campaign office of Del. Sue Hecht, who is challenging Sen. Alex Mooney, and stole a laptop computer that contained valuable campaign databases.

I have a strong message for whoever was responsible for this reprehensible act of political desperation: God bless you. I get so bored with the tired old routines of mudslinging, hypocritical flag-wrapping, special-interest pandering and false accusations. Certainly they were amusing in their day, but that stuff is going on four election cycles old. It's time to till some new ground.

I'm a sucker for retro, and breaking and entering is so gloriously 1972 (by the way, has anyone checked John Mitchell's whereabouts on the night in question)?

This is great news, because if the campaigns resort to felony theft, the next logical progression is physical violence. Oh for the old days when candidates would hit each other in the kneecaps with their canes or brain their opponents with flagons of Kentucky bourbon.

In my dream scenerio, Hecht would tackle Mooney in a shopping center parking lot and give him head noogies as she demanded her computer back.

Mooney, of course, said he was shocked by the crime. That's a little disappointing. I would have thought he would have accused the Hecht campaign of staging the whole thing.

Obviously there is no indication that Mooney's boys and girls were involved, but if his next campaign-spending itemization form looks something like this ...

Brochure printing - $500

Stamps - $72.62

Copier toner - $49.95

Crowbar and ski mask - $22.50

... we may have the right to start getting suspicious.

Poor Bob Ehrlich. He must feel like the little kid in a game of sandlot baseball whom the older boys don't allow an at-bat.

Here he must want awfully to take the whuppin' stick to the Democrats, but he can barely get a chance because the Maryland Democrats are beating up on each other so badly.

And KKT loses two out of 10 votes to some glorified stock boy down at the Giant supermarket? That can't be good. I don't want to say she's desperate, but if I were Ehrlich I'd be keeping a close eye on my laptop computer.

Tim Rowland is a Herald-Mail columnist.

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