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Just another head on a stick

August 08, 2002|by DAN KAUFFMAN

What's better than ESPN's hit show, "Pardon The Interruption"? How about, "Pardon The Interruption In My Own Crazed Mind!"

Let's meet the two stars.

To our left, Optimistic Dan. He's the hometown homer who's gearing up to cheer on the Terps and Redskins.

And to our right, Pessimistic Dan. This guy's as much fun as your in-laws at family reunions. He always thinks his favorite teams will stink. Makes Optimistic Dan go psycho.

Much like PTI's real-life hosts, Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon, these two get along famously ...

** DING! **

Optimistic Dan: Gotta love Steve Spurrier.

Pessimistic Dan: Your boy, that guy.

OD: Absolutely. What's not to love? He says what he thinks and what he feels, doesn't sugarcoat anything, and he's an offensive genius, to boot. San Francisco's secondary had no clue in the second half.

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PD: Now I know what Allen Iverson feels like. I want to scream at the top of my lungs, "It's preseason, man! Preseason! We're talking preseason! This isn't a regular season game, man, it's preseason!"

OD: What's your problem? You just don't want to admit that the coach you couldn't stand at Florida may actually be the real deal, that he may be just what the Redskins need.

PD: Spare me. They beat up on San Francisco's bench-warmers. Where was the running game? You're telling me all they're gonna run is draws? Draws? That oughta be good. Stephen Davis is already looking for the door.

** DING! **

OD: Alright, forget the 'Skins. They're gonna prove you wrong, anyway. As will the Terps.

PD: Hah. One-hit wonders.

OD: Three reasons why they're not. One, E.J. Henderson. He's the best senior linebacker in college football. Two, Bruce Perry. If he forgets about the Heisman hype and simply plays to his level, he'll shine. Three, the big ol' Fridge. No one will outcoach him.

PD: Yippy-ay yay. Perry's still hurting. Some abdominal strain thingy. He may miss the season opener. Who's playing quarterback? Scott McBrien? Orlando Evans? Hunter Cross? We graduated with Hunter at North Hagerstown. Great guy, yes. Quarterback, I dunno.

OD: You're too tough on your boy, Hunter.

PD: Probably. Someone has to play the pessimist. Point is, none of them are proven. Besides, Maryland won three games last year by a touchdown or less. Those are games decided by one or two plays, and they all went the Terps' way last year. No way will that happen again.

OD: No way? No way? No WAY do the Terps finish worse than 10-3. Florida State, well, that's tough. Notre Dame, Clemson and N.C. State can all win, but they won't all win. Who else can beat Maryland?

PD: There's always somebody.

OD: Blind pessimism?!

PD: I've always been a trendsetter.

OD: Oh, please!

** DING! **

The great thing is, we won't know who won the debate until January.

Dan Kauffman is a staff writer for The Morning Herald. His column appeared every other Thursday. He can be reached at 301-733-5131 ext. 2311 or by e-mail at kauffman@herald-mail.com

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