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Tim Rowland's 2000 Revue

December 30, 2000

Tim Rowland's 2000 Revue



By TIM ROWLAND
JANUARY


Jan 1 - As expected "Y2K" wreaks chaos on the planet when, on a night that most people would otherwise stay home, millions of people around the world run out to dance and get drunk.

Jan 2 - The proposed Syrian-Israeli peace talks hit a potential snag when Mrs. Barak insists the two sides can only meet "in the vicinity of some real killer outlet-shopping malls."

Jan. 7 - Shepherdstown, W.Va., is selected as the site for the Mideast peace talks, prompting a visit from President Clinton who scolds Syria and Israel's lack of success, saying, "Why can't you cooperate and avoid the nasty and unproductive name-calling, like we do in our presidential elections?" Meanwhile, peace talks dignitaries visit Antietam Battlefield.

Jan. 8 - Prior to the opening of the Maryland General Assembly, local lawmakers say that "priority one" for them will be to bring home to the district a good chunk of the state's $1 billion budget surplus.

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Predicting a "smooth, conflict-free summer," Census workers begin setting up shop locally, in anticipation of the year 2000 count.

Jan. 10 - Ending two years of court proceedings, the Hagerstown Suns Class A baseball team and the ACLU reach a settlement, after the Suns agree to stop referring to the press box as "the holy shrine of Antioch."

Shepherdstown peace talks dignitaries visit the Prime Outlets in Hagerstown.

Jan 12 - Hagerstown Water Department and Williamsport City Hall officials meet to discuss emergency plans in the event of a chlorine leak at the city's water plant on the Potomac River.

Shepherdstown peace talks dignitaries visit town art galleries.

Jan 21 - Because of vehicles that routinely careen toward parked cars and pedestrians, Halfway residents complain that patrons of the local fire department's bingo night constitute a public hazard.

Jan 25 - Working hard to bring money home to the district, Sen. Don Munson introduces legislation that would rewrite the official description of the state flag.

The Shepherdstown talks fail to produce a meaningful road map to peace in the Middle East, but dignitaries salvage the month by writing a really good Tri-State travelogue for Fodor's.

Scandal hits the Charles Town "We think we still have a few horses around here somewhere" Races, when West Virginia Breeders Cup Champion A Huevo tests positive for City of Hagerstown tapwater.

FEBRUARY


Feb. 3 - The Washington County delegation announces it is working on an original plan to fund a new minor league baseball stadium in Hagerstown.

Feb. 5 - Looking to speed up Hagerstown traffic patterns, the Maryland Department of Transportation synchronizes traffic lights throughout the city.

Working hard to bring money back to the district, Del. Chris Shank declares war on Maryland "Bay" license plates.

Feb. 7 - The Washington County Commissioners, too broke to fully fund education, announce plans to spend $1.6 million for a new office building to house needy bureaucrats.

A plan to speed up traffic patterns is foiled when patrons of Halfway Fire Co. bingo night forget what comes after "red."

Local lawmakers announce that their Hagerstown stadium plan is now a Stadium/Sewer-Water Debt Relief plan.

Feb. 10 - Working hard to bring money back to the district, Sen. Alex Mooney takes up the cause of Elian Gonzalez.

Local lawmakers say their stadium plan is now a Stadium/Sewer-Water Debt Relief/Economic Development plan.

Feb. 19 - Local lawmakers now say their Stadium Plan is actually a Stadium/Sewer-Water Debt Relief/Economic Development/Tourism/Volunteer Firefighter Funding/Tax Restructuring Plan.

MARCH


March 1 - Caving into the overwhelming demand in Washington County for tube sox at discount prices, Wal-Mart agrees to build a second supercenter store in Hagerstown.

March 6 - The strong economy and near full-employment sparks fears in the local Census office, where officials say they may be forced to hire Census takers consisting primarily of migrant farm workers and Washington County Detention Center litter crews.

Local lawmakers now say their Stadium Plan is actually a Sewer-Water Debt Relief/Economic Development/Tourism/Volunteer Firefighter Funding/Tax Restructuring - But Not, Repeat Not, a Stadium - Plan.

March 15 - A "celebrity roast" of Ron Bowers is called off at the last minute after no one can think of one even remotely humorous thing he's done over the past 20 years.

Working hard to bring money home to the district, Del. Joe Bartlett comes up with a plan to scare deer off the highways.

March 21 - Many local residents ignore Census forms, leading officials to regret their decision to playfully stamp Census envelopes with pictures of Ed McMahon.

APRIL


April 4 - Following plenty of soaking rains, Tri-State area farmers gravely predict a severe shortage of things to gripe about this spring.

April 8 - A CSX freight train derails in Berkeley County. Rail officials say the 48-car train was loaded with new Ford Trucks, newsprint, metallic ore and about 15,000 Census forms.

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