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Your chitlins is in my jelly

November 30, 2000

Your chitlins is in my jelly



I am sick of writing about Florida, so today I'll move on to Alabama.

And I quote today from an article in the Mobile Register and passed along by the Kirby family, entitled "Cousins in ax fight over cornbread."

The article by Connie Baggett starts off, "Two Conecuh County cousins wound up in the emergency room after one attacked the other with a bush ax during a fight sparked by cornbread, jelly and chitterlings."

Reading this article I would say we, as a community, need to try harder. For pending a recount, it would seem Conecuh County has us beat.

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The story describes a traditional, holiday-season scene with everyone sitting down to supper. The story does not specifically mention what type of housing unit was involved, but I think it's pretty clear it had to be a two-story brick colonial with a stained-glass atrium, Jacuzzi deck and sunken living room. Relatives witnessed as the two "began to argue about cornbread, jelly and chitterlings.

"The argument - details of which were unclear - grew heated, and (Cousin No. 1) left the room, went to the woodpile outside and returned with a brush ax."

The man proceeded to whack his cousin in the neck. Cousin No. 2 responded by wrestling the ax away and returning the favor by chopping Cousin No. 1 in the face. Many arteries were severed, according to the story.

Cousin No. 2 apparently felt this would be a desirous time for a retreat, so he and the ax fled the two-story brick colonial with its stained-glass atrium, Jacuzzi deck and sunken living room, dove into his car and sped off into the night. Where he promptly crashed.

This next part is going to shock you, but police later said the two men had been drinking.

Anyway, thinking fast, Cousin No. 2 grabbed the ax and ran on foot to the emergency room of a hospital which, with I Love Lucy-like coincidence, just happened to be nearby.

About the time he came panting and bleeding into the emergency room, the ambulance carrying his brother arrived and the two proceded to get into a fight over who would be treated first.

No, I added that part. But that's about the only embellishment this story needs.

The pair didn't cooperate with police and no warrants were filed. So blood is thicker than jelly. The sheriff added his thoughts on the matter, saying "Sometimes I wonder if the people in Conecuh County have lost their minds." A testimonial that, as we speak, I am certain the Conecuh County Chamber of Commerce is printing up on T-shirts.

But while I know chitterlings are an emotional issue, I hope Ms. Baggett will do a little more digging for a follow-up article to unearth just what in the world there is about cornbread, jelly and chitlins to argue about.

I do have a guess. Remember those Reese's "You've got peanut butter in my chocolate" commercials several years ago? Well? Could have happened.

Cousin No. 1: Hey, you got chitterlings in my jelly."

Cousin No. 2: Well you got jelly in my chitterlings."

Cousin No. 1: I'll get the ax.

If that is indeed the case, these two unwitting entrepreneurs have probably created the next great American taste sensation: Chitjell. And the next time we hear from them they'll be wearing Armani suits and sitting high in a Wall Street tower board room.

Where they will probably attack each other with sterling silver letter openers.

Tim Rowland is a columnist for the Herald-Mail

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