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How to vote for comedy

November 02, 2000

How to vote for comedy



A friend of mine had, fittingly enough, just returned from the Presidents Cup - viewing, not playing, far as I know - and she e-mailed that I'd been remiss in not crystallizing the presidential race for readers who have come to depend on my wisdom to make their choices.

Instantly, I knew she was right.

However, since I am a pro-gay, anti-death penalty, pro-communism liberal who believes abortion is OK through the first trimester (by which I mean age 28), I figured I needed some balance.

So for some help I messaged my friend Mark, whose enthusiams for his new flat-tax-on-welfare-children plan is exceeded only by his collection of Israeli-made machine guns. The M-dog was gracious enough to take time from working on our temporarily stalled leftoverpopcorn.com initiative to help me out, and together we put together the definitive voters guide. Hope it clears things up.

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Reasons to vote for Al Gore:

Satisfaction that comes in knowing that you've just canceled out George Will's vote.

Outside chance he'll invent time travel.

Finally, we'll have some good, old-fashioned, hardcore married sex in the White House.

Proposal to outlaw the internal combustion engine could finally help the world unleash the full potential of steam.

He doesn't golf.

Resolution to keep Social Security money out of the stock market and earning 2 percent interest a relief to federal accountants, who already have too many decimal places to worry about.

Leaves him in position to pardon Bill Clinton.

He's probably seen Tommy Lee Jones in his underwear.

Good chance inflation cycle will upswing in the next four years, so we'll finally have a chance to blame Clinton-Gore for a lousy economy.

Will finally make a trendy tourist destination out of Gore, Virginia.

Plan to get all seniors, regardless of need, good and drugged up will keep them off the highways.

His high-school-age son was arrested for speeding this summer, so he might have Billy Carter potential.

His last name, when you think about it, is kind of funny.

Reasons to vote for George Bush:

National parks will finally begin to pay for themselves since each will be equipped with its ownl oil derrick.

Will finally shut up all those whining, sore-loser, Clinton-haters who have been jamming the airwaves and newspaper opinion pages with their shrill conspiracy rants and semi-literate letters to the editor for the last eight years.

Poor handle on the language means he may pack the Supreme Court with "strict construction workers."

Large tax break to wealthiest 1 percent will allow the rich to sink more money into the stock market, thus increasing the value of our 401(k)s.

He seems genuinely dimwitted, which will make leaders like China's Zhu Rongji and Iraq's Saddam Hussein go easy on us.

Electing him increases the likelihood that his old party friends will tell his story for money.

It's easier to think up funny reasons to vote for George Bush than it is to think up funnier reasons to vote for Al Gore.

"C" average suddenly no longer something to be ashamed of.

To get back at Gore for letting Tipper dance on the convention stage.

His last name, when you think about it, is kind of funny.

Tim Rowland is a Herald-Mail columnist.

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