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Our Senate race needs more soap opera scandals

May 17, 2000

Dossier: Clinton, Hillary. Candidate, New York Senate race. Purported madwoman who fires travel staffs, terrorizes employees and tries to ram public health policy through Congress without involving the public.

Reputedly so power-hungry she is willing to turn the other way while husband, Clinton, William Jefferson, carries on numerous affairs with other women.

Relationship with husband described as pure "business deal," a matter of convenience by which the two can attempt to satisfy their unquenchable thirst for power.

Financial dealings questionable. Made considerable cash in commodities market acting on "tip" from "disinterested" party. Rose Law Firm difficulties well-documented. Legal documents subpoenaed by courts appear and disappear from White House coffee table. Called to testify before federal grand jury, results unknown.

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Relationship with one Foster, Vincent, never fully explained.

Dossier: Giuliani, Rudolph W. Candidate, New York Senate race. New York City tough, credited with cleaning up city but said to have little regard for human or civil rights, except as pertains to small Cuban refugee rafter boys living in Miami.

Condoned and defended police shooting of defenseless minority, hit 41 times with cop fire. Tramples rights and dignity of homeless and other disadvantaged groups.

Most recently embroiled in marital difficulties linked to relationship with one Lategano, Cristyne F., former communications director to the mayor and linked to relationship with one Nathan, Judith, long-standing "gal pal." Announced seeking separation from wife in a public press conference without telling her first.

And here we sit in Maryland, with Barbara Mikulski and Paul Sarbanes. I try to be a good, informed public citizen, but I honestly can't say right now if either is running for re-election, or if they are, who they are running against. I feel exactly like one of those high school geography students who can't identify Idaho on a map.

But I'm not alone. I conducted a quick office poll and the consensus is they are "pretty sure it's Sarbanes" who is up for re-election, but against whom? Turns out the answer to our trivia question is Paul Rappaport.

Now if I may put on my campaign manager's hat for a while, may I suggest, Mr. Rappaport, that you leave your wife; fire your campaign staff; have a brief but visible affair with the U.S. women's soccer team; rehire your campaign staff (the cute ones, anyway); get back with your wife but only long enough to sweet-talk her into removing her name from the title of your house; propose an anti-drug policy that involves jailing anyone who has two of the following three items: gold chain, BMW, pager, rap CD; hold press conference announcing that you're leaving your wife again, but if she thinks this time she's getting the house she's got a big surprise waiting for her, and finally, marry your cat.

Seems these days that's what it takes to get noticed.




Tim Rowland is a Herald-Mail columnist

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