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Proposition for Fox TV would save time, money

February 22, 2000

Sorry, but for Fox Television to win my viewership it will have to raise the bar. "When Wild Animals Attack" didn't do it for me, and neither did the network's latest attempt at prime time slime, "Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire?"

Now, if they would only take it one step further, with something along the lines of "Who Wants to Marry a Wild Animal," I might be tempted.

Or else, if Fox really wants to pique my interest, it will cook up an episode of "Who Wants to Marry a Newspaper Columnist," in which young, beautiful, brain-optional women are marched across the stage in swimsuits, evening gowns and bridalwear and subjected to a battery of serious interviews, probing questions about life philosophy and personality tests before the winning contestant is chosen to be whisked away to the Caribbean.

This appears to be too lengthy a process for my tastes, so Fox could probably bag the eveningwear segment.

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And really, how much of a woman's worldview can you really glean in a couple of hours, so there's no point in the philosophical questioning. Or for that matter, the personality inquisition. Sort of spoils the surprise, and - well, now that I think about it, let's just forget the whole interview process altogether. And the bridalwear.

So that leaves, what, just the swimsuit competition? Well, OK.

What do you mean, "shallow?" Are you zillions and zillions of women who watched "Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire?" telling me you tuned in because you wanted to hear some chick's opinion of the World Economic Summit in Switzerland?

Please. We all had two questions: 1.) Is she nuts? 2.) What does she look like on the beach? And it sure as heck didn't take two hours for us to figure out the answers (1. Yes. 2. Good). Frankly, in "Who Wants to Marry a Newspaper Columnist," a simple police-style lineup would probably be adequate. It saves the girls embarrassment, too. Instead of having to answer something along the lines of "Do you believe the Electoral College has outlived its usefulness, why or why not?" the heaviest interrogative she'd be subjected to would be, "could you turn to your left?"

And for Fox, it would sure save on costumes and production costs. It's what I like to call a win-win.

For me, the big question of the evening was "What kind of male lizard has millions of dollars and still can't get a date?" Face it, generally if you're rich, such bothersome asides as looks, personality, kindness and trustworthiness are of no more use than an air conditioner on a snowmobile.

The guy's got bucks and he still can't get babes? Something's wrong. Maybe he's one of those "Tin Men" that The Herald-Mail Lifestyle section waxed disgusted on a week or so ago.

Tin Men, apparently, is the new word for cads. There was a little chart with "What he says" on the left and "What he means" on the right. Like when a man says, "I need space" what he really means is, "I'm afraid of commitment."

I just love it when women interpret. What they don't know, however, is that a man who says "I need space" is actually being kind. Because when a man says "I need space," there's a good chance that what he really means is "I can't get a word in edgewise."

Really, what's the more sensitive thing to do, say, "I need space" or "I can't hear myself think because you won't shut your pie hole, woman."

I mean, that's just how some men might look at it. Not me, obviously. I don't want to show up on the next Fox production, "When Brides Attack."




Tim Rowland is a Herald-Mail columnist

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