My boyfriend shuts me out emotionally. Help!

February 04, 2000

Dear Katy,

Every time I try to talk to my boyfriend about something important, he always shuts me out. He never wants to talk about anything serious because he says everything is fine the way it is. He won't talk about his feelings at all, and it's really starting to cause a problem in our relationship. I want him to let me in, but he won't.

He says I can't get him to change because that's just the way he is. What can I do?

- Feeling Shut Out

cont. from lifestyle

Dear Feeling Shut Out,

Your boyfriend is right. You can't get him to change. No one can change unless they want to.

It seems like you need someone who will open themselves up to you and be there for you emotionally. This guy can't offer you that. I know it's probably hard to accept, but this relationship doesn't seem like it's going to work. If it does, it'll take a lot of effort.


I've actually been through this myself, and I know how hard it is, but I've realized that you can't make someone into something they're not. Some people just aren't capable of having the kind of relationship that you need.

You said that you've tried to talk to him, but maybe you should try again. It's possible that he doesn't realize how serious you are about this. Still, I'm not sure that talking about it is going to help things.

This isn't like forgetting your birthday, or ditching you for his buddies on your anniversary. Those are things that he can apologize for and eventually things will be OK. He can't apologize for being the person he is. Some people just keep things inside and don't share how they feel. He shouldn't have to say he's sorry for not being who you want him to be.

I'm not saying that he's not a good guy, just maybe that's he's not a good guy for you. I know it has to be hard to imagine not being with him, but maybe it's the best idea.

Who knows? There could be a guy out there who is willing to open himself up to you, and discuss your feelings without even giving it a second thought. If you stay in this relationship where you're not completely happy, you could missing out on meeting him.

Katy Huffer is a sophomore at Hagerstown Community College. E-mail her at

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