Syd-TV is on the air

September 10, 1999

By Big Sydney

* The Herald-Mail's expert prognosticator, fed up with the current TV football lineup, prepares to launch his own network.

This couldn't be a better time of year.

This week, the NFL comes back for another season.

And next week, it's time for the fall season of new television programs.

It was enough to make me weatherproof my living room.

Empty margarine bowls for chips, pretzels and chipped beef gravy.


Easy chair tilts at a 45 degree angle, great for reclining, watching the game, sleeping with minimal snoring and beverage sliding out of the bottle with little foam.



Curtains drawn, to keep out the sunlight and make sure no one sees me watching the game in my boxer shorts.


Forecasting dartboard hung and the darts have string on the back so I don't have to get out of my chair.


And last, but not least, the TV Guide at my side so I can make the most critical decisions of the week ... what to watch so I don't burn my eyes out by accidentally flicking on an Orioles game.

But I noticed we don't have the Big Three any more.

No, I'm not talking about Burl Ives, William Conrad and Barry White.

I mean there is more out there than just ABC, NBC and CBS.

There are more networks out there than Kordell Stewart can fumble a snap at. Now there is Fox, WB and UPN to go along with the PAX network. I turned that one on just for the old Green Bay highlights but I couldn't find them.

So I'm mad. There isn't a lot of good football programing out there.

I decided to propose the Syd-TV network.

Here's my lineup:

* Con Game - A new series featuring the life, loves and times of a small band of misunderstood football players who bend the law but get a second chance in Miami. In the first hilarious episode, the Dol-felons (as they are known around the league) get new uniforms, which sport stripes and numbers that are eight digits long.

In weeks to come, other shows will deal with issues like is free agency the same as parole.

* Groundhog Day - This show is a spinoff of the popular Bill Murray movie, but it revolves around the Cincinnati Bengals who lose year after year after year (no shadow neccasary).

* The Pretender - This show makes it back onto the fall schedule again by the skin of its teeth. It's the story of a young quarterback named for a famous rock icon with the job of replacing a future Hall of Fame quarterback and the problems he has filling those shoes. The first week's show is named 'Not Nearly As Big As Montana.' Upcoming episodes will include 'Elvis Has Left the Stadium,' followed by 'Moon (takes) Over Kansas City.'

* Third Watch - A series that will follow Bubby Brister, who stood holding a clipboard while Neil O'Donnell and John Elway played, and may be stuck in that same position if Brian Griese gets the nod as Denver's new quarterback.

* Tagliabue's Closet - A program showing the different things Cleveland fans found and used to get the Browns back.

* Suddenly Losin' - A dramedy about the Dallas Cowboys, who sit on their old talent hoping for one last charge to glory before Irvin, Aikman and Smith reach the age for Medicare. The comic value comes when owner Jerry Jones drives the team bus and finds different wacky ways to avoid traffic tickets.

* Spin City - A half-hour of Art Modell excuses of why he still needs money from the Baltimore area after moving three years ago and why the Ravens can't seem to win.

* Walker, Texas Ranger- Old Dallas running backs don't retire, they try to play baseball.

* Chicago Hope - Cade McNown?

* All Good Dawgs Go to ESPN - This is probably my least favorite, new football-related show. It's about that big guy who has made a new career by being 400 pounds while wearing a Browns jersey and a dog mask.

I can't believe they asked him to do that "Dogs on a velvet painting playing cards" commercial.

That should have been my gig.

I have the weight.

I can buy the jersey.

I have as many wrinkles as that guy.

And I don't even need the mask.

I'd do anything to get my spot on Syd-TV.

On with the predictions (last week: 12-10, .545; overall: 16-12, .571):


Tonight's games

Beall 41, Hancock 13 - The Panthers' ears could be ringing for a while.

Jefferson 27, Loudoun Valley 19 - It would be a loudoun dirty shame if the Cougars lost to both Loudoun teams.

Musselman 38, Southern Garrett 6 - Applemen look "Mmm, mmm good" against Campbell's Rams.

Greencastle 24, Palmyra 22 - Jemison will be no friend to Palmyra.

Hedgesville 16, Ballou 8 - I loved Jane Fonda in "Cat Ballou."

Martinsburg 27, James Wood 21 - I loved James Wood in "Hercules."

Waynesboro 26, James Buchanan 19 - Indians see past Rockets' red glare.

Strasburg 33, Berkeley Springs 24 - Eric Clapton's favorite guitar is a Fender Strasburgcaster.

Chambersburg 17, August Martin 14 - Is August Martin related to Ricky?


Saturday's Games

Model School 18, St. James 6 - But not in a runway.

Brunswick 34, Boonsboro 12 - Do you know "Take the 'A' Train?"

Smithsburg 26, South Hagerstown 20 - Rebels go south after spotting Leopards a touchdown.


Shepherd 28, East Stroudsburg 13 - Rams right their ship.

Maryland 17, Western Carolina 6 - I thought Tennessee was west of Carolina.

West Virginia 24, Miami, Ohio 23 - With a loss, Mountaineers' season will be dead in O-hi-o.

Penn State 61, Pittsburgh 13 - JoePa plays bully in the Backyard Brawl.

Frostburg State 31, Central Connecticut State 14 - The center of Connecticut is about as big as Frostburg.

Navy 34, Kent 20 - If Navy kent win this one, they kent win any.


Cowboys 31, Redskins 17 - Norv is my favorite character on "Angry Beavers."

Ravens 24, Rams 20 - Kurt Warner was a pretty good running back before he switched to quarterback.

Cardinals 41, Eagles 13 - Cardinals are much prettier than eagles, too.

Steelers 14, Browns 10 - Pittsburgh gets a rude welcome back to the Dawg Pound.

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