Senator Mooney's on gay patrol

August 19, 1999

The gays are coming, the gays are coming! And they mean business.

That's the message from Sen. Alex X. Mooney, R-Frederick/Washington. And the X stands for Xtremely Scared. In a four-page letter to supporters this month, Mooney says he is being tormented by "militant homosexuals," for his opposition to a bill in the Maryland General Assembly last winter that would have strengthened anti-gay discrimination law. And now the gays are out to pay him back.

Mooney's take on the bill (which, with some accuracy, he takes credit for killing) is that it would have deeply rended our social fabric, forcing restaurants to employ gay waiters, or schools to hire cross-dressing teachers.

I simply can't imagine a gay presence in the food-service industry, but I find the thought of cross-dressing teachers intriguing. Through 12 years of public schools, I'm starting to wonder how many teachers I thought were female were actually men in drag "putting one over" on the old B of E. It would sure explain why we had to read so much of that tedious Walt Whitman poetry.


So for all you kids going back to school this month, next time "Mrs." Carstairs tells you to do a paper on a collection of David Sedaris essays, immediately demand to see "her" birth certificate.

In fact, I think all Maryland employees owe it to themselves to look around the workplaces and ask: If Maryland passed a gay anti-discrimination law, how many of my male co-workers would come to the job tomorrow in a blouse and panty hose?

More than you would suspect, I bet, because remember these are not just homosexuals we're talking about, but militant homosexuals.

My only complaint, and it's a minor one, is that with issues in Washington County this year that have included: Saving jobs at the former Rohr plant, much-needed improvements to Interstate 81, the sewer debt (which still stands at more than $50 million), a new stadium for the Suns, the University of Maryland branch campus, funding for the Community Free Clinic, medicine for the elderly, the Civil War museum, the Roundhouse and the TWA 800/federal training center, Alex Mooney's big contrib-line is being point man on the gay patrol.

Sure, we may have lost the Roundhouse, but our minds can be at ease knowing the next time we walk into an auto parts store the clerk isn't going to look like Klinger from "M*A*S*H."

Of course, there is one thing that would ease the pain Alex feels from this persecution at the hands of the militant homosexual crowd, and it is the same salve that comforts the wounds of politicians across the land: Money.

In a notably homophobic district, Mooney seems intent on riding the gays all the way to the bank. In his letter, he calls himself a "hard charging" conservative and asks supporters to send him anywhere from $500 to $1,000 with the goal of raising $100,000 for his campaign war chest by Aug. 31.

Tim Rowland is a Herald-Mail columnist

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