"I would like to wish my daughter Vicky Brittner a happy birthday. I love your Mail Call."
"Hello. My number is 301-791-2033 and I'm calling to respond to the call about the old Christmas and birthday cards. We can use them if you would just call us back. We will pick them up."
"I'm wondering if anyone else out there is getting as tired as I am of those automobile commercials on TV? They go on and on and on. It's ridiculous."
"If I were a terrorist or a una-bomber my target would be those phone salesmen or phone saleswomen or should I say telemarketers? I wish there was a way to outlaw these invaders who keep calling day in and day out. They are creeps."
"Wow, what a county. Councilman McClure and Commissioner Wade - I'm really ashamed to even be a Republican."
"This is for the caller who wants to adopt a kitten. I'd like to suggest that you adopt two of them because they're company for each other and they are less likely to scratch your furniture or curtains."
"Everybody seems to be worried about leaving kids in car seats while you go into a store and that is a very important concern. It should not be done, however, I see little kids out walking the neighborhood streets here in Hagerstown and I think about how sad it is that one of them might get picked up by some weirdo who will kill them and then you see on TV their goofy, stupid parents crying and whining about how they want their babies back. Why don't they think about that before they tell them to go outside and walk around by themselves, telling them that they're 5 years old and old enough to do it alone?"
"Responding to the piece in the Mail Call on Friday, there was someone who was asking about a cleanup day in Hagerstown. I don't know if one is scheduled or not but I think it's a really neat idea and I would be glad to participate in one."
"Hello Mail Call. To the person who said that music should be taken out of the schools because of low reading scores. Number one, reading and counting are the main ingredients to music. Starting early is the key to promoting a good education. Please, parents need to think and beat those homemade drums while counting. It makes for happier and healthier children and it also might give them a pleasant attitude which is what Hagerstown needs desperately. The person's negative opinion should have now one part of a child's education. Also, Hagerstown will be awful quiet without the Mummers' Parade because if you're going to take music out of the Washington County schools, why let bands come into Washington County? Think about that."
"I understand that Bill Clinton's new law firm is called, DoWee, Cheatem and How."
"This is concerning the Daytona 500. The facts please and only the facts. The second and third place cars could not pass Dale Earnhardt on laps 197, 198 and 199 on the green flag, so what is your point on lap 200? Secondly, Dale Earnhardt would already have won the Daytona 500 four times on green if not for a seagull, a cut tire, out of fuel and last but not least, car 24 ramming him into the wall and out of the race. You didn't hear Dale being a poor sport after those incidents so why don't your quit being such a sore loser and put your sour grapes out in the sun to dry?"
"Fortunately I'm not privy to the actual Mail Call recording but judging from some of the responses I have a feeling some of these callers sound as if they've been hit in the head with a hammer when they're talking or should I say, trying to talk on the phone. Let me put it this way - if the local chapter of Mensa was looking for a new building where all its members would meet at the same time, they could probably get by with a used phone booth."
"This is to the lady who's looking for a free kitten. If you can't afford the kitten, its shots and its well being, please don't get one. They don't deserve it."