Winning the war with a good poll

February 19, 1998

Winning the war with a good poll

Oct. 13, 1940 - The Japanese Empire today issued a stern warning to the United States of America, saying it was "deeply distressed" that the Americans were jeopardizing the free flow of fuel oil to the Eastern World.

Nov. 1 - With heightened rhetoric, Japan warned the world that there would be "consequences" should the United States refuse to allow tankers to run between California refineries and Japanese seaports.

Nov. 19 - Emperor Hirohito was a guest on the Japanese radio program "Meet the Most Honorable Press," where he announced that if trade measures against the United States failed to solve the growing oil crisis, he could not rule out military intervention.


Jan 18, 1941 - Japan petitions the League of Samurai Nations, seeking a broad coalition to support air strikes on the United States.

Polls show 80 percent of the Japanese people favor limited air strikes on military targets.

April 29 - Bracing for a possible attack, the United States tells the world community it has already complied with Japanese oil demands and bombings will cause needless civilian casualties.

May 15 - Appearing on "Face the Most Honorable Nation," Japanese war ministers warn the people that the United States will likely release photographs of dead civilians to sway world opinion.

Polls show 78 percent of Japanese favor air strikes, even if it causes some limited civilian casualties.

June 12 - Some members of the Japanese talk radio circuit begin to stir in opposition to bombing raids on the United States. "The only way we should attack is if we can be guaranteed of annihilating the crazy Roosevelt," said talk show host W'oosh-Lim-Bha.

In a related comment, W'oosh criticized past emperors for not "finishing the job" in 1783, when they failed to enter the Revolutionary War on the side of the British.

Polls show 71 percent of the Japanese people favor air strikes, even if bomber pilots are singing "Can You Bake a Cherry Pie Billy Boy, Billy Boy" over their radios during the raid.

July 28 - In the interests of sportsmanship, unnamed sources in the Japanese cabinet confirm that any bombing raid probably wouldn't come until after conclusion of the baseball pennant stretch drives.

Aug. 13 - Opposition grows to bombing of the U.S., with ministry minorities saying that Japan has no business being the "world's ginsu man" and that young Japanese lives should not be wasted in the name of oil.

Hirohito warns that if left unchecked, America would have the unbridled power to use their oil "to build a lot of motorcars and drive out to the suburbs."

Aug. 28 - The executive council of the League of Samurai Nations votes 5-0 to squabble amongst themselves.

Sept. 1 - The Tokyo Times runs an extensive article detailing how an attack on the United States would likely go. "Although military strategy in Japan is a closely guarded secret, here it is," the Times reported. The strategy would be to launch an intensive air strike at Pearl Harbor to wipe out the American fleet. After that, the Japanese Navy could rule the Pacific with impunity, even sending subs within striking distance of the California coast, the paper reported.

Polls show that 61 percent of the Japanese people agree that newspapers make good rain hats if one lacks an umbrella.

Sept. 23 - A roundtable of highly tuned-in Japanese pundits, speaking on "The Osaka Gang," a weekly radio program, confidently predict Japan will attack Finland with ground troops, probably in 1952.

Oct. 15 - Japan receives a blow in the League of Samurai Nations, when the countries of Formosa and Mongolia lash out against the plan saying it could cause something called "World War II."

Nov. 2 - Military strategists say any armed attack on the United States would have to occur sometime in the window created between Dec. 6, which is Jousting Day in old Saxony and Dec. 8., which is the Norwegian Festival of the Semi-Rotting Fish. Strategists refused to be more specific than that, not wanting to tip their hand to the Americans.

Nov. 15 - Sabers rattle on the Pacific Rim, as Hirohito gives the United States one last ultimatum to either submit or face another ultimatum.

In a final brace for war, Tokyo takes the added safety precaution of moving all its valuable archives and priceless art treasures to a small, remote southern city on the South China Sea, known locally as "Nagasaki."

Dec. 7 - With the light of a million suns, and the fury of a million devils, Japanese Air Force Zeros rain fire and destruction from above on the American navel base of Pearl Harbor in the Hawaiian Islands. Fortunately no one is hurt because everyone has left the base two weeks ago.

Polls showed 100 percent of the Japanese people approved.

The Herald-Mail Articles