Sharpsburg is a gorgeous town, despite the best efforts of the state Main Street beautification program (motto: "Fewer trees is a small price to pay for greater flooding"). I'd be happy to live there. But think about this logically. If you live in a 46-room Hollywood mansion with a whirlpool in every broom closet you're going to move into some lathe-and-plaster 19th-century glorified Unabomber cabin with five-foot ceilings where the most innovative feature pointed out by the Realtor is the root cellar?
I don't think so.
And does Sharpsburg want a big movie star? They won't even cotton to poor little old ladies who want to open quilt shops, so where in their zoning code do you figure they're going to allow for the paparazzi?
But Washington County rumor-central is still hot and heavy that it's true. Brad Pitt is alive and well and hanging out at Cap'n Bender's. As far as many people are concerned, the name has all but been changed from Sharpsburg to Pittsburg.
I first overheard the rumor a month or two ago, from a member of the Hagerstown Junior College women's volleyball team.
I've since heard it "confirmed" from about a million different sources. At the courthouse they swear an actual deed transfer took place, conveying a house to an agent of Mr. Pitt.
The reaction here in the newsroom has been decidedly two-sided. All the men said "So, is this a story?" and all the women said - well, it wasn't what they said so much as it was the sound of their automobiles fishtailing out of the Herald-Mail parking lot heading to Sharpsburg in general and past Cap'n Bender's in particular.
In the interests of fair competition, I'm surprised Pete's Tavern hasn't started a rumor that Sharon Stone has sublet a floor of the old Legion hall and can be seen on Thursdays with a fist full of holders, playing quarter bounce with a pitcher of Pabst.
The deal is said to be that Pitt is cozying up to Sharpsburg to prepare for a role in the planned Civil War film "Gods and Generals."
I don't get it. I can understand Dustin Hoffman tagging around with an autistic fellow for his role in "Rain Man," but are you telling me Warren Beatty bought a dacha in Magnitogorsk in anticipation of "Reds?" And Brad Pitt is going to soak up Civil War ambiance by contemplating the Sharpsburg Town Pond?
Another problem is that the lead role in "Gods and Generals" is the part of Stonewall Jackson. Don't get me wrong, I loved his work in "A River Ran Through It," but if Brad Pitt is Stonewall Jackson, I'm Belle Boyd.
Some things even in Hollywood you don't do. You don't cast Jim Carrey as a theology professor, you don't cast Courtney Love as a daycare provider and you don't cast Brad Pitt as Stonewall Jackson.
If Brad Pitt is Stonewall when the Yanks storm the wall at Fredericksburg, you don't return fire, you brood sourly over the wanton waste of projectiles on such a lowly creation as mankind.
So sorry ladies, there is no Brad Pitt.
Or now that I think about it - as I slap on a blond wig, grow a scruff of beard and head to Cap'n Bender's - maybe there is. Maaaybe there is.
Tim Rowland is a Herald-Mail columnist.