Isn't it a crying shame that one bad apple can spoil a good time for all the other fine, upstanding murderers throughout our state prison system?
* From the tragic to the upbeat, it's time to celebrate because a new study by the Quad State Technology and Manufacturing Consortium shows that low wages are a good thing. And that's great news locally of course, because we have such low wages.
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "How can low wages possibly be good?" You silly goose. Because, the study says, low wages attract more companies to a region that also pay low wages.
See? How can you yourself possibly aspire to a lousy paying work unless those around you have lousy paying work to begin with?
So be happy that your job prospects bite. And feel good knowing that your low wages make it possible for people in other areas to earn more money in other, better-paying jobs such as analysts for manufacturing and technology consortiums.
The only downside to this otherwise excellent news was the negative comments by Hagerstown Mayor Bob Bruchey who said he "didn't see low-paying jobs as a real plus."
Goes to show, there's a malcontent in every quad state region.
* Continuing in the economic vein, it seems Washington County wants to open up a new area southwest of Hagerstown to industrial development. And all it's going to cost is another $13.47 million in sewer investments.
Been there, done that.
* Maryland Motor Vehicle administrator Anne "Air" Ferro was in town trying to allay people's fears about Maryland's emission control testing program.
The emission control test is required of all cars except:
1. Those that pollute.
2. Those whose entire exhaust systems have fallen off.
This is because old cars and cars from adjoining states are exempt from the test. So the only cars that are forced to comply are those that have left the showroom floor within the past six weeks and are equipped with so much anti-pollution equipment it has to be carried behind the vehicle in a U-Haul trailer.
* Parris "Governor Osprey" Glendening has eaten an incredible amount of fish in the past two weeks, trying to prove that Maryland seafood is safe from pfiesteria which, if it's consumed, makes one suceptible to the forces of casino gambling.
* I would be fully prepared to make hay out from the Chewsville youngster who was terrorized by a viscious turkey. Would be.
But when I was a kid we had the most destructive, mean, lawless old rooster that ever inhabited a coop. He didn't just try to bite the hand that fed him, he tried to kill it.
When you fed him and his flock it was with a corn pail in one hand and a shovel in the other. The feathers on his neck stood out like a chimney brush and he'd come flying in a rage of blue hate, all beaks, talons, spurs and spit.
Finally one day someone, perhaps it was me, played him like a croquet shot, stepping on his back and whacking his head with a mallet into Hampshire County and ending his criminal reign of terror.
Work release this.