'Sea of Tranquility Report: Case Closed'

June 30, 1997

SEA OF TRANQUILITY, June 30 (Lunar Press) - As thousands of moon residents make plans throughout the coming two years to visit this quiet, lunar outpost on what many contend will be the 30th anniversary of a visit from alien beings, the Moon Force issued a formal report intended to dispute such claims.

"The Sea of Tranquility Report: Case Closed," is an official, 231-page investigation of an event that has inspired a small but vocal group of cult believers and fostered an entire cottage industry of speculation over the possibilities of higher life forms, UFOs and extra-moonestial occurances.

In a packed press briefing, Col. Fluuuhuu Zoog said the report offers irrefutable proof that eyewitness accounts of the events of 1969 can be explained by normal, Moon Force testing procedures under way at the time, along with naturally occurring moon phenomena.


"The life forms the underground residents of the Sea of Tranquility reported seeing were nothing more than remote-control test dummies designed to measure the effects of leaping high up off the ground, coming down and leaping up off the ground again," Zoog said.

"We also programmed the dummies to test the effects of scooping up dust and rocks and placing them in plastic bags."

Old-time residents have consistently and steadfastly reported seeing alien beings, whom they described as all white, with big square backs, accordian joints, round, shiny hairless heads with one incredibly large, dark eye.

According to folklore, which has been widely disseminated over the MoonNet, residents of this crater community also reported seeing a red, white and blue sheet of fabric which some believe is a symbolic banner carried by alien beings.

But Moon Force officials yesterday said what residents really saw was a "weather shroud" designed to record climatic conditions on the moon.

But conspiracists poo-pooed the Moon Force's report, pointing out that the moon has no climatic conditions.

Zoog responded by saying that residents may have been "confused" and just because the moon doesn't have any climate now doesn't mean that it couldn't at some future point - hence the need to keep track.

UFO cult-culture has it that in late July, 1969, a cylindrical spacecraft was seen streaking across the lunar sky and later disgorged a smaller craft that carried alien life forms.

After the aliens left, according to lore, the moon government spirited away remaining pieces of the spacecraft to a Moon Force site known only as "Crater 51."

Moon Force officials said their report concludes that the object lunar residents saw flying through the air was in all likelihood what is widely known as a "cow," a chunk of dirty, animal-shaped ice that routinely breaks away from the Planet Earth, a mere 240,000 miles away, and speeds over the moon's skies in varying patterns known as "jumps."

As for alien garbage lunar residents swear they saw, Moon Force say they believe these were naturally forming geological outcroppongs known as "green cheese."

Skeptics, however, labled the Moon Force's report a perpetuation of the Sea of Tranquility coverup. They said the report fails to fully explain dozens of alien footprints discovered in the area and several wrapping papers mysteriously labled with the code words "Slim Jims," the name cultists have given to the unknown planet from which the aliens arrived.

Col. Zoog scoffed at such theorizing.

"People see a couple episodes of "The Moon Files'' and they're ready to believe anything.

"When you've lived as long as I have you come to learn one thing, and one thing for sure. The good Lord created this universe solely for the use and enjoyment of us moon residents."

Tim Rowland is a Herald-Mail columnist.

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