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We don't want a powderpuff Ag Department

May 27, 1997

WASHINGTON, D.C., - The United States Congress acted with shock and dismay this morning, when it was learned that a mid-level Department of Agriculture employee had admitted to having sex, not once, but twice.

"We can't have government employees going around having sex," said Kongressman Kletus, D-Mars. "This is a certain way to bring down the finely honed machine that is the U.S. Department of Agriculture."

The admission brought immediate response from elected officials who said the mission of the Department of Agriculture could be destroyed by women who chose to defy the government by sleeping with undesirables, in this case a member of the Department of Commerce.

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"When bureaucrats of the opposite sex are crammed tightly together, such as in the case with the McFarkus Office Building, what do you expect," said Kongressman Klem, who immediately filed legislation to prevent male and female members of the Department of Agriculture from working together, until they had completed basic training in peanut inoculation and advanced alfalfa terracing.

"Don't get me wrong, I think women have a place in the Department of Agriculture," Klem said. "But we can't let it jeopardize our national wheat production. Radical feminists will disagree, but there are some agricultural jobs a woman just can't do. When you have to tote a hundred-pound sack of dolomitic limestone over a sty or some fish meal up a grape arbor tell me you want some pantyhose-wearing pinkaboo to carry the load. I'm out to end this powderpuff Department of Agriculture once and for all."

Saying they are "keenly in touch" with the young men and women serving our government today, representatives said they were nevertheless shocked and appalled any young man or young woman age 21 to 35 would resort to "fraternization."

It's an issue that has sneaked up the normally in-tune membership. "Why a lot of congressmen don't even know what `fraternization' is," Klem said.

An independent Associated Press poll found that this was true. Seventy percent of congress members admitted they didn't know what a big word like fraternization meant. Twenty percent said they thought "fraternization" was the process of making a party dip out of corn mush and 10 percent asked whether this fraternization might be willing to contribute to their re-election campaigns.

After having it explained to them, a majority of congress members admitted they didn't know "fraternization," but they were highly familiar with "making whoopie," "getting lucky" and "playing pony with Mr. Happychops."

Rep. Klem said his bill to separate Department of Agriculture members along male-female lines would go far to end any such confusion.

The bill includes clauses against fraternization, sterilization and civilization. It also has a clause preventing government workers from looking in the mirror for fear they might develop gay or incestuous tendencies.

"We want no more government sex of any kind," Klem said. "Except, of course, as it applies to us."

Meanwhile, as Congress moved to ban government sex, bills that would fund Social Security, fix Medicare, rebuild the country's deteriorating infrastructure, solve the trade imbalance, end campaign finance abuse and pay off the nation's multi-trillion dollar debt went untouched.

It was a small price to pay, Klem said.

"Show me a government worker who's not out having sex, and I'll show you an employee who is working for the betterment of America," he said.

And life in Congress went on.

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