Some qualifications for next schools superintendent

May 05, 1997

Washington County Board of Education seeks off-the-shelf white male yes-man to superintend five, soon to be seven, children - and 19,000 students.

Duties to include shameless pandering to self-important local elected officials countywide, ego stroking and political gamesmanship.

Knowledge of education helpful, but not necessary.

Successful applicant will have long fingernails to scratch backs of noisy individuals who have no schooling themselves and believe that qualifies them to tell other people how their kids should be schooled.

Must have own knee pads for annual groveling before the County Commissioners for money and own muzzle to keep from saying anything of substance which could conceivably be construed as independent thought.


Small appliance repair experience helpful, particularly as it relates to electric whirlpool motors. Must prefer typewriter and abacus to computer. Must think spreadsheet is something the Klan does prior to cross-burnings. Ability to work with Windows helpful, but since central office is single story, having own ladder not essential.

Must be prepared to deal with advancing technology in a changing world including, but not limited to, pay-at-the-pump filling stations, monster trucks and self-propelled lawn mowers.

Candidate must be in step with Western Maryland school system mission, also known as the College Avoidance Program.

Goals include all children being able to recognize their bus number by third grade and 70 percent of high school students successfully awarded a drivers license and Independence Card by age 17.

Must curb disturbing trends of greater percentage of enrollment in institutions of higher learning and obtaining jobs in Frederick and beyond.

Successful candidate will have high school diploma or, preferably, GED or have a diploma from the School of Hard Knocks. Advanced degrees accepted, but only if candidate can prove he didn't really learn anything from the experience. Must not have let schooling interfere with education. Preferred motto: "If it was good enough for my pappy and his pappy it's good enough for me."

Must be fluent in English. Must not be fluent in anything else. Must realize that teaching Spanish or any other language only encourages foreigners to feel accepted here.

Experience: Must have proven five year track record of never having had an original idea. Must have history of being real leader, someone bold and insightful enough to do exactly as he's told.

Real world experience preferable to book learnin'. If candidate, for example, has no advanced study of educational policy credit, may substitute equivalent real-life experience, like fork lift operator.

Benefits: Salary commiserate with ability to keep mouth shut and not introduce any controversial, liberal-elite, New-Age programs, like science.

Other benefits include being smacked back and forth in the public arena like a dirty tennis ball as elected officials pin blame on fault, while accepting credit for any good which may, by accident or otherwise, happen.

References a plus, particularly from Rusty Wallace or Butter Bean.

Extra credit for knowledge that would allow candidate to expand horizons, such as being able to fix water and sewer crisis or become director of golf.

Send resume to Commonwealth Avenue sometime within the next year. No rush. No stamps.

Washington County Board of Education is an equal opportunity employer. If we see the opportunity we'll employ equally frustrating constraints on whoever gets the job.

Good luck.

Tim Rowland is a Herald-Mail columnist.

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